Are you ready for a real “out of left field” kind of post? Maybe I should call this shower thoughts, or the more mom-appropriate I’m mentally tuning out the kids’ music thoughts. Whatever the label, here’s what was on my mind yesterday.
Fear is a powerful motivator. In fact, I’d say it is one of the strongest motivators. Unfortunately it is so capable that it sometimes steers us in a direction we aren’t meant to go.
There have been plenty of times in my 33 years that I’ve made decisions based on fear. Fear of missing out. Fear of what others will say. Fear of something bad happening. Fear of being different. Fear of falling short. Whenever I make decisions out of fear, it affects my entire being. Fear pulls me away from being my authentic self, which shuts me down emotionally and creatively. It dulls my “sparkle.”
As I get more and more comfortable in my own skin and knowing myself, I’ve found asking one question each time I come to a crossroads helps me make the right choice.
With this choice, am I running towards something I want or away from something I don’t?
The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive, but if I am honest with myself in answering that question, the direction I need to go in almost always becomes clear. Some questions I’ve applied this question to include having kids, how many kids, choices in raising them, life plans, friendships/relationships to nurture or release, jobs to go for or not, investments with time and money to commit to or not, the list goes on…
Whenever my choice or action doesn’t align with my true desire, I feel unrest. Sometimes that is just a lesson I learn and keep tucked away to remember when faced with another similar situation. Other times I have the opportunity to reverse my choice, no matter how difficult that may be, and feel the relief that only comes when you know you are being true to yourself.
I was thinking about this concept yesterday and how it has affected me at different stages of my life. I started thinking about some decisions I am making in my life right now and some bigger ones that may come up in the next few years. Some decisions seem big and scary. It can feel like a lot of pressure to make the right choice or sometimes to just make the more widely accepted choice. It’s not unusual for me to get tangled up in the process, unable to clearly see what the right choice is.
However, if I step back, breathe, and ask myself, I am making this choice out of fear? It clarifies things quickly. I am continuously getting more bold in following my heart in the choices I know are right for me rather than giving into the fear and choosing the safer or more conventional path.
I know this is out of left field. I’m grateful there is no big underlying drama that accompanies it. It’s just been on my mind as in this season of life that I’m immersed in our family and the choices that work best for us. I never want to feel like I have to defend my choices (though I know too often I offer an over explanation). I admire people that go boldly forward with their decisions. I hope to continue to be more like that. In the silence when I am alone, I am very confident and excited in the choices I’m making and want to be the kind of person that stands by them, not with arrogance, but also without apology.
I’m not there yet, but I’m working on getting better at it everyday.
Do you struggle with making big decisions in your life?
What techniques do you use to help guide you in the right direction?
Karen says
Wow. deep thoughts!
I did struggle for many years…..UNTIL, my mom got suddenly sick and died at the age of 63. I am the oldest child and was the one to step up and handle this all, since my father was already gone. My brother stood by my side but ultimately it was all me. This changed me for life, what I want for my grown son, what I want in my marriage, and what I want out of life. I can’t explain how it changed me but it did and it did big time.
Now, if I see something I want, I go get it. If I see something I don’t like, I change it. I no longer surround myself with people that are not who I want to be, no matter who they are, family or friends.
It was eye opening to see just how short life really is, and if you live for everyone but you it’s not living. Making you a better person makes you a better wife, mother, and just plain old better all the way around. Mom’s are especially guilty of living life for everyone else….I was too. And then I realized….
Whatever is weighing on you at the moment, just be patient and you will figure it all out. Smile:-)
Brittany Dixon says
Oh wow Karen, I really appreciate you sharing your experience and perspective. I’m so sorry you had to go through that but what a beautiful way to come out the other side- confident in going for what you want and living life to the fullest. You are so right that women/moms especially are often guilty of living life for everyone else (I’m certainly guilty at times!). Thank you for the reminder <3
Laura says
Karen, I can really relate to this. My mom died when I was 24 and all of a sudden I was faced with dealing with my “biggest fear” (she had been sick for awhile, so I feared her dying long before she passed). I was surprised at the strength I found for myself after she was gone. I felt a sense of being fearless; to make my own decisions and to go for what I wanted. I think it was the realization that life can be very short.
I love this quote from the book and movie Eat, Pray, Love, and this post made me think of it:
“If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself… then truth will not be withheld from you.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Katie @ Live Half Full says
I felt the same way after losing my parents, it really put things in perspective!
montessoriishmom says
I definitely struggle with big decisions. I basically become obsessed and very anxious when making a big decision, but once I finally decide, I’m usually 100% behind it and don’t look back. I am naturally a very cautious / fearful person and definitely ask myself if I’m making decisions out of fear. This could be simple things like deciding whether to take our baby somewhere new by myself, or big things like deciding to move to a part of the country I’d never been to before for college. Love this post!
Brittany Dixon says
Yes, I am the same! Not only as a natural cautious person (which I am), but I agree that the state of indecision is the hardest part. Once I make the decision I’m at peace and all systems are go! Thanks for your comment 🙂
Christina says
Ahhhh….this post really struck a chord with me. My husband and I are considering some big life changes in the next year – specifically, moving to a different city (where the pace isn’t as crazy as the DC area, where we live now) and me transitioning into being a full time SAHM to our two girls. I’m filled with a lot of uncertainty and anxiety (how will I adjust to staying at home? How will I make new friends? Can we swing it financially? What if we hate the new city and wish we never left DC? etc etc). But when I apply your “test” I definitely feel like we are running TOWARD something (a different lifestyle for our family) and not away. Great post!
Heather Warner says
Wow, Christina, I feel like your comment is exactly the same as mine! We also live in DC and are expecting our second in October. We are hoping to move to a slower paced, less expensive location where I can be a full-time SAHM. It is super scary for me to give up my personal income after being raised by a single mother. I almost feel like giving up my career is giving up a piece of me that makes me financially secure. Good luck with your move!
Christina says
Yesssss!!!! We should chat 🙂 Coincidentally, I am looking to get some Beauty Counter products but don’t know any consultants, so I’ll check out your site!
Heather says
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Brittany Dixon says
Oh wow, so many exciting changes ahead for you! Though my particulars are different I totally feel similar to you with all the questions running through my head. I always try to remind myself that the only constant in life is change and each time I’ve embraced a new change/season of life, it’s really been filled with so much goodness. I’m sure you will experience the same and I hope you’ll let me know how it all goes! Where are you moving too? (If you want to share ;))
John J. says
Ah, the philosopher in you comes out!
“Perfect love casts out fear” John
“Only thing we have to fear is fear itself” FDR
Jessie @ The Acquired Sass says
I often try to think of the worst case – and see how I would feel if that happened. Years ago, my first job out of college, I was miserable. I wanted to quit & find something else. In my mind, the worst case is that I would have to move 5 hours away to where I grew up & back in with my parents. But it was a risk I was willing to take. So I quit. Found a new job & I LOVE it.
Moving to a new city. Worst case? I might hate it. So I have to move again. A pain in the butt, but so worth it if I don’t like where I’m living now.
Home school. Worst case? The kids & you both hate it, and you try again with something new next year.
If I’m willing to accept the worst case, I don’t hesitate.
It’s funny because quitting my job was an easy decision – much easier than it seems to be picking what I want for dinner when we go out to eat. It’s usually the tiny decisions that plague me, not the big ones.
Brittany Dixon says
I love your perspective Jessie! Sometimes I get too in my own head about big decisions and I love your idea of coming up with the worst case scenario. It certainly takes away a lot of pressure. Thanks for you comment 🙂
Julia @ Drops of Jules says
The majority of my life is dictated by my fears if I really think about it. A long time, my food choices were solely chosen based on my fears. Now, I’m hyperaware of my actions in my writing and my words for fear of hurting someone I care about. In college, I fully understand the idea of missing out and fearing that. Yeah, you’re completely right. I fear a lot.
Your introspect and thoughtful words always leave me with something to meditate on throughout the day. Thank you for this Brittany!
Lindsey says
This was so great to think about this morning. My husband is in his third (almost fourth) year of med school, so we’ve had so. Many. discussion about whether we should move far away for residency or stay closer to home (there’s even opportunity to stay in the city we’re in.) One thing that is helping us is remembering that whatever choice we make, there will be good for us, if that makes sense. Good things will come if we decide to stay–putting down roots, having established relationships, etc., and good things will welcome us if we go. It takes some of the pressure off!
Lexi Caldwell says
This post is so relatable for me. This year, out of a lack of passion and motivation that I felt in my current job, I took a leap of faith and applied to graduate programs in my “dream field.” What has helped for me has been taking steps to alleviate some of the fears that were mine to control. For example, I chose a program in a city where I have some friends (to alleviate my fear of loneliness) and applied to scholarships (to mitigate the fear of taking a financial hit), etc.
A while back, I listened to an episode of the podcast “Happier” in which host Gretchin Rubin gave the following advice: when you are faced with a difficult life decision, ask yourself the question, “Which of these choices will lead to the bigger life?” She noted that the answer to that might be different for you than for someone else. (Ex. buying a dog might help someone explore their city, make new friends, etc., but for someone else buying a dog might limit their ability to travel, take time away from hobbies, etc.). I thought that was such an interesting take. I now try to ask myself that question when I am having difficult committing.
Sam says
Love this! I of course struggle with big decisions (15 month old, moving soon!) and the #1 thing I do is pray (usually after stressing and not wanting to, so not technically #1 I guess!). Our faith has brought us through everything in life. It is so hard to trust but everything always works out in the end, no matter if it’s comfortable in the moment or not. I also love reaching out to friends in similar situations for help, or blogs! 😉 Praying for you!
Victoria says
Nothing makes us more uncomfortable than fear. And, we have so many: fear of pain, disease, injury, failure, not being accepted, missing an opportunity, and being scammed to name a few. Fear invokes the flight or fight syndrome; and our first reaction is always to flee back to our comfort zone. If we don’t know the way back, we are likely to follow whoever shows us a path.
sherry says
Wow-certainly thought provoking. Continue to be bold and follow your heart—because you have a beautiful & loving heart!
Carra says
Thank you for this thoughtful post! I think we women especially need to hear and consider this. I know growing up that fear and societal pressures shaped many big decisions in my life and at 34 I’m just now coming out of it! Cheers to following your own path. Mama to mama, your girls will gain so much watching you! – Carra
melissa says
loved this post. I always over-analyze in hopes of making the “right decision”,but ultimately there very rarely one right answer and I have to remind myself of this often. Otherwise I end up in analysis-paralysis mode!
Kim says
Wow this speaks me to as this is what I deal with daily. I am so Type A and always want to know the outcome. Fear I make the wrong choice and do not like it, fear I cannot undo what I did, fear I will do something wrong, litterally all the time. It controls you and it hard. Sometimes I go with my heart and don’t look back, sometimes I make a pro/con list, sometimes I ask others to choose. It is a work in progress. Sometimes a life changing event makes you choose and you don’t look back. Just know you are not alone!
Nicole says
When I was younger I wouldn’t really think twice about my decisions that led to some great and not so great consequences. However, as I’ve gotten older and had children I’ve started second guessing decisions. Faced with the choice of selling our house and moving was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I think we started to make ourselves sick with all the worrying.
When my daughter was going to start kindergarten this year, we had a really rough time deciding if we should enroll her into public school. Yet when it came down to it, we realized that homeschooling was the best choice for us. I have had times when I believed I couldn’t do it, and prayed about my choices. Ultimately, it has been the best choice for us, and I don’t believe we would ever go back. I have come to realize that I do not have to make people accept what we’re doing, but I’m not going to let them criticize my choices either.
Now with the prospect of moving again, and to North Carolina has been a easier choice. I have not had to spend weeks over analyzing our decisions and what-if-ing everything.
If we spend our lives second guessing all of our choices, we’ll forget to live in the moment and that’s a pretty terrible thing also. Everything will work out in the end, praying for happier/easier days ahead. 🙂