Today, May 2, is David’s and my anniversary! Nine years go we said I do in the North Georgia mountains surrounded by family, friends, and the remnants of a seriously angry rain storm. Ah, spring weddings! Though we are currently in the phase of life where we celebrate anniversaries with high-fives as we pass by each other tackling kids, work, and home tasks, love should always be celebrated and acknowledged, so babe, consider this my happy anniversary shout-out. You still make my heart flutter!
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We are nine years, two houses, and two kids into marriage, and… we are still happy. Happier I’d even venture to say. It didn’t happen by chance because marriage takes work. And work we have, especially during those tumultuous years of babies and toddlers when sleep becomes scarce and roles get redefined. Here are a few tips we’ve taken to heart and implemented to help keep a strong marriage after kids.
Touch Each Other. Yes, it that way, but not just in that way. Snuggle on the couch, hold hands when you walk to dinner, give each other a real two-arm-wrapped-around-ya kind of hug, rub her feet (that last one was for you, David). It can be challenging at first as a new mom when you feel like someone is touching us ALL DAY LONG, but we are touched all day long because it’s an important way for babies and children to connect with us. Humans need touch, so it is also vital for a marriage. Even just finding 5 or 10 minutes to snuggle up together can make a big impact because tactile physical affection is highly correlated with overall relationship and partner satisfaction. Touch can calm nerves, foster connection, and provide comfort, so go ahead and touch, snuggle, massage, and heck, flirt a little too.
Renegotiate the division of labor. Before kid, the necessary chores are usually understood and accomplished without too much strife, even if it means one person takes on a little more. However, when kids come into the picture, there is a huge amount of new responsibilities, some obvious, but others not so much. A study found that in the weeks after a baby is born, men cut back their household chores by five hours a week, while women only cut back by an hour a week. Not only that, having a child only added 10 hours a week to a manβs workloadβbut it added 21 hours a week to a womanβs.
To help with this transition, all roles and responsibilities should be put back on the table for negotiation after kids. Finding a time to sit down and outline what, when, and how household tasks and responsibilities should be carried out is important. Once everything is out there in the open, it’s easier to delegate responsibilities with open communication and understanding.
Recognize that life is full for both of you. Avoiding the resentment game once babies come into the picture is vital. I sometimes would find myself keeping track of everything I did in a day and comparing it to the mental list of what he did (spoiler: mine was always seemingly much longer). But guess what- it got us nowhere. Improving communication, complimenting each other on what we are doing well, and realizing my spouse is not solely responsible for my happiness made the difference. It took me a while to realize that when I was feeling burned out, I automatically blamed David. By learning to better communicate what I was feeling before I hit rock bottom, we were then able to adjust our lifestyle as needed, or hire a sitter, or let the girls have a movie watching afternoon while I played catch up. Basically, we found a solution instead together instead of wallowing in resentment.
In a recent post, Christina mentioned that once a week she and her husband give each other a “hall pass”- a night off of responsibilities to use however they please, whether that be a dinner out with a friend, pleasure shopping at Target, or just a quiet bath at home. What a cool idea!
Plan and dream about the future. This is our favorite. Planning and dreaming creates a virtual playground where you can run through a million different scenarios and learn about what you each value and look forward to. When you find a path you both find exciting and fulfilling, you can build on by making it more vivid with details. Where will you be living? What will you do to fill your time? How will you make money? Once we are able to taste a dream because it feels so real, we make actionable plans, timetables, and checkpoints. Not only does all this dreaming about future plans make for fun conversation, it helps us develop an action plan for goals we both are energized to work towards. We’ve found that being on the same page about where we want to go in life helps add to the strength of our marriage. We are both excited and grateful to be on this journey together!
I don’t think a perfect marriage exists, but if both people are open and willing to continue to adjust as needed and work toward the common goal of happiness, marriage is a pretty wonderful and special thing. And I sure am grateful to be married to my best friend. Happy anniversary, babe! <3
What helps keep your marriage strong?
John J. says
Happy anniversary! Great blog. I am now bestowing on you an honorary degree in Marriage and Family. π You and David are nailing it. Keep on living and writing about how to continually grow together in love/life as you journey forward. Celebrate well!
Karuna says
I have not been getting your posts for the last 4-5 times. Should I sign up for the posts again or you are aware of the problem and working towards a solution. Also I love your blog and look forward to reading it when you post even though my kids are married but donβt have kids yet. π
Karuna says
I just looked at my emails and the last post I got from you was on April 4th. Thanks
Brittany Dixon says
Thank you for letting me know! I was unaware there was any issue, so I’ll look into it and see if I can see any glitches!
sherry says
Happy Anniversary! You sound like your dad–and that’s a good thing! You and he say it so well. Continue loving and enjoying your journey, your life–follow those dreams!
Kim says
Happy Anniversary!! Love these posts to help and remind me of the push and pull <3 Our 10 year is end of May and I have planted a bug in his ear, this is a big number, I want you to surprize me even if it is something small like a in home date night!
Brittany Dixon says
10 is a big milestone!! Hope you two are able to make it a special celebration. Congrats!
Heather Warner says
Happy Anniversary!!!!!
Laura says
I know it isn’t very romantic (and I am definitely NOT much of a traditional romantic), but I often think of marriage as a savings account, where you can make deposits and withdrawals. My husband and I were married for 6 years before having kids. During that time, we had all of the time and energy to make a lot of deposits- devoting many of our evenings and weekends to each other, and traveling a lot together, all over the world, renovating our houses, moving across country, etc. I feel we entered into parenthood with a huge savings account. Since having two kids, the first few years has felt like an extended period of many withdrawals, and few deposits. We just had a big dinner out for our 10 year anniversary and with boys ages 1 and 4 and two full time jobs, it felt like we were just coming up for air. I am not going to pretend that having kids didn’t challenge and strain our marriage, and I can’t say our current state is our strongest, but at the same time I am hopeful about the future and opportunities to once again devote more time to each other (and build back our savings:). Love your suggestion to plan and dream for the future! My husband and I do do this regularly, and it is always a comfort, that despite the strains of the past few years, we still share the same ideals and future dreams.
Brittany Dixon says
I always love reading your comments and this is no exception. What a great visual to help explain the ups and downs of marriage through different life phases. Thank you! Also, the card you sent my dad was just beautiful. Thank you <3
Laura says
Thanks Brittany, and so glad you received the card in time!
Laura says
And sorry, I forgot to say- Happy anniversary!!! (did I mention I wasn’t much of a romantic :)?
Pam says
Happy anniversary!
Tracy says
Happy Anniversary!! We were married on June 1 in the midwest and there was a tornado during the reception! This was a great post as always. Well said.
Brittany Dixon says
A tornado! Whew, way to start off marriage with a bang π
Jess says
Awwwww! You guys are so cute! Happy Anniversary!
Over here, we are 11 years and three kids (in four years) in. When we were engaged someone told me to “always remember why you fell in love.” Love this little sentiment when life is crazy and pulling us in different directions.
Brittany Dixon says
Oh I love that! It’s so true. I love thinking back of when we first met. And congratulations to you on 11 years!
Katie says
Happy Anniversary! The resentment thing is SO HARD in the young years. That’s the hardest thing for us lately!
Brittany Dixon says
I completely understand and have been there! It gets better for sure, but definitely find time to discuss it if it feels like too much. I’ve sucked it up before and ended up exploding which was fun for everyone π
Gcroft says
Congratulations and many more happy returns.
I was speaking to a male colleague recently and asked him what motivates him to share in home responsibilities. “I want to help my wife out. She’s my best friend and there is no way I’d let her shoulder all the responsibilities. It takes two”. Here’s to more husbands like them, and your David.
Brittany Dixon says
Thank you <3
There is nothing better than the notion of teamwork in a marriage. Your colleague is so right- it takes two!
Ashley D says
Happy Anniversary! I love this post and agree with so many of the things on here especially the mental list getting us NO WHERE! So glad y’all are happier post kids as we’re feeling the same way!
Renee says
Love this!
Do you have any suggestions for how to talk through the division of the chores or what has worked well for you both? This has been an issue for us (even before kids — since buying a house), and I find it to be very difficult to get a “fair” division of labor (of course understanding that fair and equal isn’t the same!). Also – do you have any issues with completion of tasks? I find that in the past I’ll complete the chores I’ve agreed to do, but my partner has some difficulty with follow-through. :/ Needless to say, it leads to some discussions that aren’t always productive!
Brittany Dixon says
I’ll be honest, it’s an ongoing and always evolving conversation and process! And the truth is that it isn’t always fair, sometimes I’ll carry more of the load and other times, he does.
When our division of labor needs addressing we always find a time to talk about it when we don’t have an issue at hand. We find a time when we are both in good moods, not exhausted, and have some time to talk without being interrupted by kids. We make sure we both have a chance to talk. Usually I’ll unload everything that is on my brain first, sharing what I am able to accomplish and what is feeling like too much. Then David has his turn to do the same. Then we start putting the pieces together. Sometimes it’s obvious where we can tweak things to help each other (Oh yeah, I can take the trash out/unload the dishwasher/etc) and other time it takes some time to find a solution (do we need to outsource this? is there something else we can cut to allow time for XYZ without being overwhelmed, etc). As long as we approach it from the same page, seeing it as “our” collective problem, it’s easy to tackle it and come up with a solution as a team. We’ve been working like this for 9+ years and though I wouldn’t say we’ve perfected it, we have gotten comfortable with the process and knowing that communication is key.
Wow that was a longer reply than I anticipated- haha! I hope it answered your question!
Brittany says
Oh my gosh Brittany! Happy Anniversary! I love this post because this is totally how my husband and I do things and our struggles/solutions have been the same too. We have been together for 8 years this month, married for 5.5, 2 houses and 1 child so far. Dreaming and talking about our plans are the BEST! I know you guys have your State of the Household meeting each year and we are similar in that each month we go over the financials for the month and make any decisions needing to be made and then we schedule bigger decision meetings to over the spreadsheets and details too. I love it! It’s so nice to hear other people are doing this too. sometimes I feel like we are too thought out and planned but then we love it and works for us!
Brittany Dixon says
Haha, I love that y’all do spreadsheets too! At first I felt like a total nerd, but now I crave and thrive on that kind of organization of our finances and plans. It really does make things run more smoothly! So glad to hear we are kindred spirits π
Toya Wright says
Brittany, thank you for this post. How do you deal with requests for “space”? I work full time but my dh wants more space. I’m not sure how this can be done, especially with a one year old and a million things to do (including chores and projects).
Brittany Dixon says
I think I’d try and clarify what he means by “space” first. Is he feeling overwhelmed? What would help him? Then from there maybe you can decide together a good solution that works for both of you. Maybe you could alternate who does bath/bed so each have some time “off.” Or maybe you could tackle it together to get things done faster? But definitely I’d first dig into what “space” means. Good luck!