Lately some of you have sent me the nicest compliments saying how together I have it for being 3 weeks into being a mom of two. These comments make my day. I want to print them and tape them to my mirror in true Operation Beautiful form. However, as nice as these sentiments are, I donβt want to be misleading. Iβm doing what any mom does and just doing it. After all, what other choice is there? Some days we look pretty βwith itβ and some days we are just making it through. To give you a peek into what I mean, I sat down midday yesterday and typed out the followingβ¦
β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦
With one child I never felt much mommy guilt. Sure it would pop up every once in a while when I found myself wishing for bedtime to come quickly only to have one of those cherish-these-moments-because-youβre-going-to-beg-for-them-back-one-day blog posts pop up on my facebook feed. I loved spending my days with Hailey, had a good amount of patience and felt comfortable in my mommyhood.
In the past couple weeks, that has changed a bit and Iβm having occasional doses of mommy guilt rearing their ugly head. The guilt comes from the reality that I just donβt have the plethora of time I did a month ago. Being a mom to a toddler and a newborn means I am go-go-go from sun up to sun-down and even in between. My care that used to be solely focused on Hailey now must be split between her and a newborn who truly needs me for every aspect of life right now. Often times in the who-needs-me-more battle, Kaitlyn wins.
I feel my heart cringe when Kaitlyn needs to be fed NOW and Hailey is begging to sit on my lap with her big, innocent eyes. I hate that Hailey asks sweetly to please do the slide one more time, but I know itβs too hot out for Kaitlyn and we need to get back to the shade and air conditioning stat. I tear up when I hear Hailey request MOMMY to read her books at night, but itβs time for Kaitlyn to eat again. It feels a bit like what I worried about is coming true some days and Iβm just not able to be there for Hailey like I want to. The special one-on-one time we shared is no longer exclusively ours and it hurts. I fear sheβs going to start resenting me, or worse, her sister.
Then there is my sweet Kaitlyn. When Hailey was this age I could sit and stare at her all day long. I could anticipate her naps and hunger because I would just wait and watch for her cues. Now, true to second child-form, Kaitlyn gets dragged around with us all morning. The playground, the splash pad, playgroups, errandsβ¦ the child knows no normal. Sheβs so little and yet growing so quickly already. What if in our rush Iβm missing something? Did I sniff her head today? Did I notice that little smile she gave when she had a full belly? Am I talking to her enough?
Iβm so sad that I canβt explain it to either of them and sometimes donβt have enough patience to go around. Iβm sure this will ease as time goes on, but for now, my heart is hurting.
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A down point. We all have them right? Well after typing this out I sent an abbreviated version to some of my mom friends and within minutes had replies. There were other moms who have or are experiencing the same feelings, moms that had overcome it and even a unique perspective from a friend who was (is?) an only child growing up and said βI would’ve gladly given up that undivided attention to experience a sibling, both as a child and now as an adult.β Maybe it was the extra hormones still trying to exit my system, but their words made me tear up, and thenβ¦ relief.
As if knowing I needed a break, yesterday afternoon the stars aligned. Hailey was napping while Kaitlyn was up with a full belly and lots of smiles. For 30 or so minutes I had her propped up on my legs. I talked to her, made goofy faces and relished in her eye contact and smiles that might have been attributed to gas rather than my effort, but either way I soaked them up. I loved having that quiet, uninterrupted time with my baby.
She started yawning and fell asleep just as I heard Hailey stirring. I put Kaitlyn down for a nap and went up empty-handed to get Hailey. She immediately wanted a hug and I carried her downstairs with her wrapped around me. She wanted green juice for a snack so we blended some up while she chatted away about ponies and shopping for apples. As we sipped our juice, the rain moved in so we sat on the couch and put on a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Instead of getting things done, I snuggled next to her and together we used the Mouskatools to solve the dayβs problem. Hailey loved it, though certainly not as much as I did.
I hope things get easier as the girls get older. They will be able to bond and play with each other and I imagine it will be easier for David and I both to have one-on-one dates with each of them, a habit we look forward to. Until then, Iβm going to stay focused on one day at a time and try to remember that there will be up moments and down moments, but hopefully the good will always outweigh the challenging.
Moms, do you experience mom guilt?
About what?
How do you get through it?
Liz A says
oh Brittany, this couldn’t have come at a better time for me. thank you. I now have a five-day-old daughter and a 19 month-old son. I have already had a few moments of this same guilt you write about, and my son has started to show that he notices the shift in attention. it hasn’t hit me full force yet, as my husband is home with us, but I’m sure next week when I’m on my own, the reality will bite.
I know so many moms that have made it through this stage with flying colors, so the future is hopeful. thanks for sharing something so personal. π now I’m off to gather ingredients for those awesome looking lactation cookies you posted.
Jennifer says
I have never commented before, but I wanted to say that this post really hit home. I have an 11-month old and almost 2.5 year old. I felt the same exact feelings as you did when I first had my second child. I could have written the words you wrote. Sometimes I had to let my oldest down because I simply had to take care of the newborn. And other times I let the newborn cry a little more than I would have liked because my toddler was really gonna take it to heart if I left him at the moment. A constant struggle (and yes, guilt!). But I kept telling myself, it will all be worth it. And they will only remember being with each other (that will be all they know), not the moments before. My oldest will not remember that precious time he got all alone, and so won’t be able to resent having to share it.
And now, we have all adjusted well and their is no more of that guilt. That is all a distant memory! Although craziness has ensued with a mobile baby and active toddler, but that is a different story altogether!!!
Jen says
It’s so hard! But you are a great mommy and your two little girls are so lucky to have you! Huge hugs! <3
Elizabeth says
I could have written this myself months ago!! Occasionally the guilt still sneaks in but without the post partum hormones, it’s not so bad. Lol. My girls love playing together now so that makes me so happy. There are still times when I rock and nurse Brooklyn that I feel bad for leaving Katelyn to play alone… I also hate when I fill my morning “baby free time” (Brooklyn’s nap) with stuff I need to do, ignoring Katelyn once again π I just try to make her feel special and play with her as much as I can… My house will never be straightened up like it was before little ones haha.
Katie Harding says
This is such a hard challenge, but it sounds like you are doing all the right things, other than feeling guilty! STOP! It will all get easier, you are only 3 weeks into being a mom of 2 so just take it easy and be proud of yourself!! I’m getting ready to have my third in a few months and totally wondering how I will be able to juggle 3 kids affections!
Kathy says
My girls are 19 months apart (now ages 17 & 15) and I remember wanting to be Super Mom. And looking back and even now, we all do are BEST to take care of our families the best way we know how. And you know what??? I think your best is best for your family. You best might not match your friends best, but it is still your best. And it will all be ok. Enjoy all those moment! Good days and bad. The good thing is your memory remembers all the good and seldom the bad. π I don’t know if I am making any sense, but you are doing fine, and it will be fine. π Have a wonderful day!!
Kim says
Oh man, you are so not alone with this!! I will say, that the stars will continue to align and you’ll get the one on one time during the naps that aren’t quite together. And then, magic happens, and they’ll nap at the same time (!) so you can have some time to rejuivenate your self making it easier to handle it all. Hugs your way. It’s tough (mostly mentally) but the way I see my two and 1/2 year old love on her seven month old brother and the way he lights up when he sees her makes my heart explode and all the guilt-sleeplessness-stress worth it.
Heather says
Definitely understand mom guilt, and while it does get easier, I don’t know when it goes away or if it ever does… I have a 2 year old and a 7 month old and I still deal with mom guilt on a regular basis. Thankfully it’s lessening because my daughter is getting older and is sitting up on her own now and is able to get out and do more, but I still have the moments where my 2 year old gives a heavy sigh because I’m trying to juggle his little sister and make dinner or I’m feeding her and he wants me to plaly. Then, I reverse and have guilt because I feel like my daughter is growing up so fast and doesn’t get nearly the one-on-one time that her brother did and I feel like she’s always waiting while we spend time with her toddler brother. So, I guess putting it that way – it all evens out since I feel guilt with each of them. Ha ha. It is getting easier, though, and our 2 year old really does love his baby sister. Between my husband and I, we try to each have one-on-one time with both kids each day. We mix it up and go with the flow and we know that each kiddo feels loved, so we must be doing okay even if it feels like we’re not. π
Marie says
Thank you for your honesty. It is why I read your blog faithfully. I’m a working (outside the home) mama…daycare aka school is great for my 2 and half year old but there are still many days I feel guilt. Lots of it. This week has been REALLY hard as she has been having a tough time – bad behavior. Everyone continues to assure me it is normal and a stage but I feel like maybe if I was with her all day, every day we wouldn’t be going thru this. I know that’s not true, but it weighs me down. Next week I have a business trip for four days and she hugged me and told me she wants to go with me. I had to push the tears back when I heard her sweet little voice say that. Motherhood continues to reward me and challenge me in ways I never would expect. Maybe this is a stage for mamas too, as we continue to grow?
Paulina says
You are doing so great already. I teared up reading this! Sometimes it’s such a struggle to give enough time and attention to my girls, my husband, and myself (not to mention my job). I relate so much to the guilt you write about. One thing to consider is that I think it’s good a good life skill for my two year old to realize that she has to wait and be patient. And it’s important for her to know that other’s needs sometimes come first. I hope that doesn’t sound cruel! The hardest, guiltiest I’ve felt is when I’m tucking my toddler into bed and she wants me to “snuggle just a little bit more” but my baby is hungry and my husband has work to do and I just have to say no. I feel like I’m breaking her little heart!
Oh, and at 3 weeks, you are still in the baby-blues period, so chin up buttercup!
Lyndsey says
Hey Brittany!
I am the older child, my brother was born when i was 4.5. Let me tell you, the only two things i remember about his infancy is giving him baths with my mom (a positive memory.) I’m sure the attention was certainly spread across us both, and my mom even sent me to daycare while she was still home with my brother. The second thing i remember was when the daycare dropped me off at my (new larger) house, they all came in and gawked and my little brother. I was so excited to see him when i got home each day. So, I think you will be FINE. She will only remember the good and soon they’ll be old enough to play TOGETHER and all the guilt will melt away.
Also, i’m so jealous that they are sisters. As a late twenty something married chick, I find myself slipping away from my friends, and yearning for a deeper relationship that I know i would have if i had a sister.
You’re doing everything amazingly! Keep it up π
Maria says
I concur with anyone who has siblings to say that they are one of the biggest blessings in my life. I would have given up even more individual attention to have 5 more brothers π My younger brother had a lot of health problems as a baby and needed some special attention. I wasn’t old enough to understand at the time so I’m sure my mom had these moments too. But it all works out in the end and I turned out okay (I think). And I wouldn’t trade that little guy for anything.
Hailey knows you love her and you are providing her with a wonderful childhood and a sister to fight with when she’s 13. π Practicality aside, sometimes you just feel the way you feel and I think expressing it is the only way to really overcome it. Thanks for sharing!
Ashley @ My Food N Fitness Diaries says
I appreciate you being so real and sharing your thoughts with us. Mom guilt is definitely something I’ve thought of as we think about when we’ll be trying for our next child. Heck, I already experience some mom guilt from time to time, so I can only imagine how much more I’ll experience it with another baby. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job, and that’s all you can do! Keep it up, my friend! xoxo
Cassie says
I just wanted to share the perspective of the oldest sibling. I was an only child until I was 8 years old (my mom re-married) and then I quickly had 3 brothers in a row. They are the most important part of my life and especially my childhood. Now as a 24 year old grad student/newly-wed living in a different state- we are in very different parts of life, but they are still the biggest blessing (even though they are stinky teenage boys!) I can only imagine how much stronger the bond will be between sisters who are close in age. You are doing a fabulous job and I’m sure your sweet girls can feel the love you have for them everyday. xoxo
Sarah says
I think it’s a great lesson for little ones to learn that they’re not the center of the universe! It will help them develop empathy as they learn to understand that their sibling is in need and it’s a good thing that they allow mommy to help her. For example, Hailey might think about what it’s like when she feels hungry and know how important it is that her baby sister be fed.
jodi says
Great post today, Brittany!! I think its great to let your readers know both the great days and the struggles as a mom of two!! (everyone loves your honesty!! π You know we have talked before about this very topic and it was always on the front of my brain from the second Emmy was born. I am just in general, a very guilty person. I can feel guilty at the drop of a hat over anything and i mean anything! So, this was a huge guilt that I carried. And it wasn’t anything anyone could prepare me for, it just was. And if anyone asked how it is to have two, I just commented its busy, but I just always feel guilty. And I cried a lot about it. (and i mean A LOT). I think in a way, you are kind of mourning the loss of that one on one time together as silly as it sounds. Like she didn’t deserve this change in her life and she can’t understandβ¦I would even go as far as to feel guilty who I got at daycare first bc they got a little one on one time before I got the other. It was terrible. But, I did it to myself and let it eat at me. Then my mom (thank GOD for mom’s!!) reminded me that Avery’s life is and will always be so much better with having a sister and that the short lived period where Emmy needs me so much is over so quickly and Avery won’t remember a thing. It really is just a period of time before you don’t feel as guilty bc you find time to be with both of them and that balance happens more naturally. But in the beginning, your heart hurts and you try so hard to find time for both. And I do think Emmy is more resilient and independent because of it, where Avery is more cautious and dependent on me. And just remember on your toughest days, you are a great mommy and that’s the part they are always going to remember!!
Halsy says
I am also a new mom to 2 little girls. One is 2 and the other 1 month (yes both born in May). I never really experienced mommy guilt until I was pregnant with #2. I had a hard pregnancy and also suffered from kidney stones from 15 weeks on. Some days I was in agonizing pain because I refused to take pain medicine. Those days my oldest sometimes watched a couple of hours of tv or a Disney Pixar movie. I felt really guilty. I still feel guilty when she watches more tv than she “should” as i try to adjust to another child. If anything though I feel the baby often waits is left out more than my oldest. Every one told me that the older one remembers more and understands more so try to spend the most time with them. We have had a lot of behavior problems from the oldest since her sister was born. She has started to refuse nap which I think is why some behavior issues are happening. My youngest has a bit of reflux, doesn’t sleep at night (thankfully does nap some during day/evening) and eats a ton. Outside of eating though during the day I feel like I don’t get to hold her near enough unless I’m baby wearing her while we are out and about. I know this stage will pass and it will get better and I will eventually have it more together. Really I think you are doing a great job and shouldn’t feel guilty at all! So glad you had some uninterrupted awake time with your little one!
Katie Bearden says
My little guy turns 4 weeks Sunday and I have a two and half year old boy as well. I completely understand how you feel! Hayes needs so much of my attention now and it’s tough… Luckily Hudson has been very patient most of the time but I have those moments if being overwhelmed and guilt ridden.
I also quit nursing which brings on a whole other load of guilt but I keep reminding myself that I’m there mother who loves them and does her best each day…
Good luck to u!
Ali says
This post made me tear up too and I have 1 child. I fear that when I have two kids as well, but I think it’s completely normal and the season will pass. I just wrote a post about all the hard times that seemed overwhelming have passed and now we are in a good place. I know there will be other challenges just waiting to rear their ugly head too. I feel guilty sometimes for yearning for nap/bedtime and not wanting Aiden to wake me up in the mornings, so I can have some alone time before the day’s chaos begins. Hang in there mama… we all experience mom guilt.
Anabel says
Such a great post! I could have literally written this myself last night as I had a mini meltdown because both of my boys needed me. I have a 20 month old and a 4 week old. I hope this all gets easier with time.
Sabrina says
Don’t worry Brittany. This is just a period of transition and adjustment. I no longer have that guilt because now they are both in the same category (instead of one needing to be nursed and one wanting to read books, for example). We snuggle all together, they both want to go down the slide one more time, and they both drive me absolutely crazy in the best way possible.
You’re doing a great job balancing it all – keep it up!
Lauren B. says
What a great post! Being 36 weeks pregnant, I’ve already felt some guilt over not being able to play as interactively with my son or for being too tired to give it my all everyday all day. Your post is a good prep for what is to come when the new baby is here, and a reminder to get myself mentally and emotionally ready for it. Thank you for being honest about the ups and downs, just another reason why you’re my favorite blogger!
Gcroft says
Sending you a very big hug from across the pond. I’ve only one child and feel like I split myself into 5 to be a mum, wife,worker, friend… you get my drift. You are doing great. Please don’t be hard on yourself. You will have good days when the stars are aligned, and days where everyone will need to share Brittany. xx
Laura @ Mommy Run Fast says
I love this post, Brittany. I know I’m going to be there soon! I’m already having mom guilt over signing L up for some mornings this summer even though both my husband and I will be around and have more time… but I KNOW it will be so nice to have a little solo time with the baby, and she loves school… there’s just always something to worry about. π You’re doing great!! And I’m going to come back to this post when I’m in the thick of it and remember that it’s totally normal.
Muna says
Oh my gosh! I could have written this word for word! I have 2 girls too (2.5 & 9 months) and I struggled with this a lot initially but it does get better. You are doing a fantastic job Brittany!
char eats greens says
I’m glad you got to spend some time with both of them, individually, the other day! I think it’s totally ok to have down days of mommy guilt; I even do with just Nia!!! I think as long as we know that we’re trying out best, that’s what matters π
Sarah@creatingbettertomorrow says
This is a terrific post…as a soon to be mom of twins…I often wonder how I”ll ever have ‘enough’ of me for everyone while still being the wife I want to be. Seeing this post makes me realize it is OK to not know what to do/how to do it…but just to do it the best you can. God made us women to adapt and do our best, and that’s my plan!
Elizabeth says
Yep; I have very similar feelings all.the.time!! I have good & bad news:
Bad: the struggle to manage 2 kids doesn’t get easier, it just gets different.
Good: they will love each other! I have learned that it’s such a gift to have a sibling!!
I spend a lot of time holding 2 babies & my house has never been messier.
I don’t know if the struggle ever goes away!
Sara Moser says
I had to respond to this. All seven of my children are grown now, and I still remember having that second baby and feeling the pull in two directions, the doubts and guilt and questions. Brittany, you are doing a great job, and it will get better. I believe that one of the greatest gifts you can give your children, besides your own love, is siblings. It wasn’t easy, but it is worth it. You will never be perfect, but you are the perfect mom for both of your precious babies. Keep on writing and encouraging!
April says
This post brought back so many memories of my early days as a mommy of two. I remember nursing Lottie while reading a book to Rush MANY times; I remember the look on Rush’s face when I had to tell him for the first time “Just go back to your bed, and mommy will come tuck you back in when baby sister is asleep;” I remember feeling sad listening to my husband read and say prayers at bedtime with Rush while I took care of Lottie. It has been almost two and a half years since #2 came, and I still feel guilty sometimes. Those rare moments of one-on-one time are so wonderful, aren’t they? (I had one of those moments yesterday when Lottie was napping, and a storm came through so Rush couldn’t sleep. We played two games, went through his alphabet flash cards, and ate a snack, completely focused on each other.) Something else that helps me is reminding Rush that God did not just give Lottie to Daddy and me, but for him too; she was made to be his playmate and lifelong friend.
You are a wonderful mom, and I know that Hailey and Kaitlyn will always feel loved and that they will love each other. {{{virtual hug}}}
Katie@LifesNextBigStep says
Thank you for this. I don’t even have my second here yet and the thought of the mom guilt makes me all panicky and sweaty. I know in the long run everything will be wonderful, but its thinking about those first several months that make me a big ball of nervousness and emotions. It’s very helpful to see that, though mom guilt is real, it’s not negative or rare – rather, after reading the comments, it’s very common and always turns toward the positive. You’re doing an awesome job!!
Kathleen says
Hi, Brittany, I know I’m late to the party but I’ve slowly but surely been making my way through your posts since I found your blog two months ago. I am the oldest of eight (FIVE brothers!) and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I now have a 14 month old son of my own and he has an aunt and uncle that are only 3 and 4 years older than him. And the guilt? My parents both worked full time until they had four of us and I have been told I spent a lot of time in daycare…Honestly, I may have a memory or two but mostly I have very vivid memories of meeting my newest little brother when I was 3 and seeing my mom pregnant and being so excited to meet my new brother/sister, and loving being able to be the big sister and help. I remember just wanting to sit next to my mom while she nursed and play “this little piggy” on my poor brother’s feet. The positives far outweigh the negatives- so if you still feel like this sometimes, just remember- being a big sister is one of the best feelings in the world. And you’re doing amazing π
Brittany Dixon says
Thank you so much for your comment Kathleen! It’s hearing happy stories like yours that really put my fears at ease and now seeing Hailey embrace being a big sis, well, it’s amazing. Sounds like you are one great big sister to SEVEN little siblings- that is awesome!
Meghan says
Thid couldn’t have been better said! I have a 6 week old and 2.5 yr old. I feel the exact same guilt you do! Thanks for sharing and I’m happy to hear I’m not alone!