Raising a girl to have a healthy body image. It’s not only a hot topic in our culture today, but also one that I have often given a lot of thought to myself. From the time I heard it’s a girl! (twice!) I’ve contemplated the steps to take to encourage them to have confidence in mind, body and spirit. As a mom to two young girls, I dread the day that they might doubt how beautiful and wonderfully made they are, so I’m hoping to combat it, even just a little, by utilizing the following advice.
Never talk about my own physical appearance in a negative way. There is no denying that in parenting more is caught than taught. I can tell my girls all day long how wonderful they are and to be confident, but if they were to see pinching my sides, sucking in my stomach or making derogatory statements about my own appearance, then they are going to do the same. So I just don’t do it. I don’t talk about my body in a negative way.
This is actually something I’ve come to believe so strongly in that it makes me feel uncomfortable to hear the usual body bashing verbiage other women use to describe themselves. I’ve learned that changing the way I talk to myself not only benefits my children, but it benefits me as well.
Use words to describe myself and my daughters beyond physical appearance. I’m not in the camp that says to never compliment the way my daughter looks. When a color is beautiful on her, I tell her that it makes her eyes shine. I’m OK letting her know how beautiful she is. However, just as often, if not more, I use character traits to give her compliments. She is a creative, brave, kind-hearted, funny, intelligent and loving. I want her to recognize these things about herself to know she is more than just a pretty face.
Exercise always has a positive connotation. Exercise is something I do because I love my body, not because I loathe it. I do it to make myself feel strong and healthy. It’s never as punishment. I love that my girls see me make a concerted effort to get to Burn Bootcamp regularly. I want them to see that mommy feels so good when she sweats! I show them how strong or fast I am getting and they see how the endorphin rush puts me in a good mood. I want them to find an activity they love that has them moving their bodies so they can feel great and enjoy exercise for a lifetime.
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Food is food. I know I’ve touched on this before, but in our house food is food. There is not good food or bad food and we don’t use it as a reward. When they get older (Hailey is close at 4 1/2) I won’t mind going into more detail on how this food will make us feel good and give us more energy versus a food that may slow us down or can make our tummies hurt if we eat too much. At this point though, I control almost all the food they are exposed to, so if I bring it into the house, it’s fair game in my opinion. If I bring in ice cream and they want ice cream, then we eat it.
Display positive self confidence whether I’m wearing a swim suit, sweats or a ballgown. I will be honest, this one has taken some working on for me. I don’t naturally feel extremely confident in a bathing suit. However, when the urge rises up for me to self-deprecate my swimsuit-clad body, I imagine my girls saying the same thing about themselves and it shuts me up really fast. My body is not perfect, but I’m proud of it, what it has done and what it can do, so I’m going to put on my damn swimsuit and let them see and remember a mom that got out and played with them.
Use the proper terms to refer to their body parts. You guys, saying vagina to a four year old feels weird. But that is my issue, not Hailey’s. There is plenty of research supporting how teaching children the correct names for their body parts promotes body confidence and can deter sexual predators (a topic that makes me want to cry if I even think about). Teaching them to have knowledge and ownership of their body is empowering.
Talk positively about differences between friends. Children are amazing in their innocence and curiosity. Sometimes as a parent it can feel uncomfortable when my child points out differences she sees between people, but it’s coming from an innocent place. One of our babysitters is Indian and I remember Hailey asking me why her skin was brown. I explained how we all have different color skin depending on where we come from and how God made us all so different and beautiful. That satisfied her and now she points out all the “different kinds of beautiful.”
Some days it is simple (She has beautiful yellow hair and I have beautiful brown hair) and other times, it makes me hesitate. For example, when she will ask a Target cashier why he only has one leg. However, I find that usually people are happy to answer and Hailey will then tell me about that person’s kind of beautiful.
Focus on all our bodies can DO. The lack of body shame is kids in inspiring. They are happy to run around without clothes on simply because it feels more comfortable. Of course, I can’t let them run around like that all the time, but it’s pretty cool to watch them be so comfortable in their own skin. We don’t talk much about what our bodies look like, but we do talk a lot about what we can do. We can run, jump, grow taller, climb, swim, snuggle, dig and play hopscotch. And how that is really such a wonderful thing.
Avoiding pop culture. I know we can’t avoid it forever, but with my girls currently at 4 1/2 and newly 2 years old, I have a lot of control. Not to sound like a total stick in the mud, but we don’t listen to pop radio with the girls. If I can pick the music, I certainly blast some Taylor Swift, Billy Joel, Jimmy Buffett, Kenny Chesney or other songs that are fun and approved, but I don’t want a random SHAKE DAT AZZ GURL song to pop up and stick in their heads. In the same vein, we don’t watch any TV that isn’t geared towards young kids. David and I don’t turn on the TV until after they are in bed anyway and since they don’t watch much TV as is (after my struggle with it!), if they do turn it on it’s for a kiddy show or a G-rated movie. I know, stick in the mud, but I love that my girls have never seen a Kardashian-clad magazine or a pop news story of Miley swinging on a wrecking ball. I’ll limit exposure for as long as I can.
I’m sure this list will evolve as the girls get older, but at 4 1/2 and 2 years old, these steps are laying the foundation for a healthy body image for life.
Do you have daughters, nieces, sisters?
How will you help them to have a positive body image in a world with so many mixed messages?
Have you struggled with body confidence yourself?
What has helped you?
Brynn says
I do not have a daughter, but I do have a son and a niece and completely agree with focusing on the positives, keeping food just that – food, and celebrating our individualities. I also agree that we need to raise boys the same way – celebrating ourselves and setting a good example is so important. Showing love and compassion for ourselves and others is my personal goal and one I hope to teach Mitch.
Jill K says
Thank you so much for this, Brittany! These are wonderful tips that I hope to be able to use with my own children one day (when I have them!), but are also things I need to be working on now. I will share with my sister who has a 14 mo. old son, too. It seems a lot easier said than done, but to your point, I bet it’s something that makes YOU feel good after a while, too, which is another reason to stay positive and not talk negatively about yourself. Thanks again!
Heather says
I love this and I try really hard to do the same types of things with my two girls who are the same age as yours. One thing I do need to be very mindful of is talking about my own body. I’m not happy with it the way it is, and I’m working on it in a healthy way, but I always try to be conscious of talking about “losing weight” in front of them.
Heather says
Really good post! I struggle the most with not saying negative things about my own body, even if it’s in a joking way. It’s difficult I think because my mom has always been so self-deprecating and has major body issues, which in turn I think has had some effect on the way I see my own body. I don’t want to continue this with my daughter (or son)! I like your tip regarding food just being food and that’s something I think would be beneficial in our house. Because of how I grew up (there seemed to be a lot of body shaming even if it was only subconsciously), I’m trying to instill confidence in our kids and we’re very open and matter-of-fact when it comes to our bodies. Since we have both a boy and a girl they know that boys and girls have different parts and they know the correct names for them as well. As they get older it’s important to me that my daughter not feel any shame or disgust in regards to menstruation either since my own experience was less than positive.
Heather says
Great post! I definitely cried when they told me I was having a girl because I knew first hand about how cruel the world can be to females. I love all of your ideas and implement a lot of them in my own household. Another one I really try to enforce is gender stereotyping. I tend to buy things for her that are gender neutral. She has baby dolls and dump trucks, pink clothes with flowers and blue ones with sailboats. We play in the dirt and handle bugs. I want to avoid the “girls should do xyz, and boys should do abc”. She can be into whatever she wants to be into from princesses to football, and I love exposing her to everything.
Brittany Dixon says
Love this point too! I agree fully with exposing them to everything and letting them choose what interests and excites them!
Heather says
Oh and a questions! How do you deal with food is food when you are at someone’s house and they have food out that you would never give your child? I seriously struggle with this.
Brittany Dixon says
Great question! I don’t mind us in this situation a lot since my girls are still so young, but usually I just roll with it. In potluck situations, I always bring a dish that my kids will eat that I approve of, but if we are at a playdate and a mom pulls out Oreos for everyone, I let them have one. For us, it is a rare enough occurrence that it doesn’t bother me much. I do have friends though that have other family members as their main childcare helpers and it’s a daily struggle for them to feed their kids good stuff when the other family members are with the children so often and feed them sodas and such. Tough situation!
Julie says
REALLY great post Brittany! I did all of these things when my daughter was young, too (not that I ever stopped most of them, but eventually she became old enough to choose her own music, TV shows, etc.). Then middle school happened… sigh… don’t even get me started. But all we can do is the best we can at home & just keep reinforcing it. All of your points are excellent, but if no one takes anything else away from this, I think #1 is HUGE! So many of us (SO MANY) constantly disparage ourselves (why???), & our kids absolutely hear it & soak it up, just like everything else we say & do.
You are such a great mom. I’m constantly impressed by the values you’re teaching your girls, & the decisions you & David are making for your family. You guys are such great role models.
Brittany Dixon says
Oh Julie, I can’t even tell you the nightmares I have about middle school! Kids can be so cruel to each other.
You sound like you are doing an amazing job of laying a strong foundation for your daughter though. I went through a lot of ups and downs in middle/high school and even though I gave my parents no credit then, their ever-present love/support/reinforcement made such a difference. I really appreciate your comment and your kind words <3
Elizabeth says
We encourage our 4y son & 2y daughter to eat healthy & know what food is good vs. bad for them. We say things like “that food is good for you, it will give you strong muscles” or “this food is bad for you, if you eat too much it will make you soft”. Why?… because they love to eat sweet, fatty food! : ) Our main focus is having strong muscles like super heroes because they love super heroes.
I’ve been focused on being healthier recently & have looped the kids into that. When I go run or work out I tell them that I’m going to be back soon and I want to exercise to be healthy. They seem to get it. They will also point out things that are healthy for you (e.g. fruits, veggies, meats).
With all of that said, my son pointed to my stomach yesterday & said “mommy, you’re fat” and I was horrified. Clearly he has heard/seen me do this, so I’m glad you wrote this article b/c more is caught than taught & I need to be more aware!!
holly says
I love this post! I am a long time reader who has never commented before.
I am currently almost 18 weeks pregnant and this topic has already crossed my mind several times. Body image is such a tough thing with all of the outside influences in today’s society. I will find out if I am having a boy or a girl next week (!) but I really think a lot of this could be applied to either gender. Body image is so important for everyone!
I love the way you parent and lately have enjoyed your posts about dipping your toes into homeschooling.
Thank you for all your great posts. 🙂
Brittany Dixon says
Congratulations on your pregnancy!! That’s wonderful 🙂 I also totally agree that these could be applied to raising either a boy or a girl since society is pretty tough on us all. Thank you for your feedback!
Maria says
This is what I wrote my Master’s Thesis on, so it is a topic near and dear to my heart…well, should be after all the hours of research 🙂
Music is an interesting one. I used to nanny and I go SO SO SICK of kid music driving my charges to all of their activities. I literally wanted to pull my hair out. I discovered Kidz Bop when I planned a kid’s birthday party a few years and it’s definitely cheesy, but so much better than listening to Raffi on repeat. And I haven’t listened to High School Music, but I think they make pop songs more kid-friendly as well.
Brittany Dixon says
Well shoot girl, you wrote you thesis on this- weigh in!! What did you find to be most influential/helpful/harmful on a girl’s body image through adolescence? Always love your input!
Kelly says
This is an awesome post. A lot of it was how I was raise, and I hope to continue it when my daughter is born. I can so trace back my confidence in body image to my mom’s display of confidence and her healthy relationship with food and exercise. I’m also so very grateful that she censored so much of what I watched and listened to growing up. Even through high school! I hated it then because my friends were all going to see any movie they wanted after 13, but looking back, I regret what I did see when I made exceptions to my mom’s rules and not what my mom wouldn’t let me see.
Brittany Dixon says
I am right there with you Kelly! I’m so grateful for my parents’ rules and their healthy outlooks on life while I was growing up because it is certainly the biggest influence in my life as to who I am today. I remember throwing epic fits (even at 16!) about having an earlier curfew or having to stick out activities that I wanted to quit, but same as you, when I snuck out or broke the rules, I regret some of the situations I found myself in. I know it’s all part of growing up and parents can’t control everything, but having such a solid foundation modeled for me made a huge difference. Thanks for your comment!
Brittany Dixon says
Oh thank you Kate for your kind words! And I agree with you; I have more confidence in my body after having two kids then I did before. I would have never guessed that, but I appreciate my body so much for what it can do now. Incredible!
Brittany Dixon says
Definitely a great point Karen! I imagine these are good things to model and instill in boys as well. I just shy away from talking about raising boys for obvious lack-of-experience reasons 😉
Kate @ Mom's Radius says
Before my son had surgery in April to remove his tonsils, I was telling him he needed it, so he’d stop grinding his teeth. He exploded and said, “I don’t need to be perfect. I’m not a girl!” He’s 6. Where did he get the idea that girls need to look perfect?! I certainly don’t care what I look like. I wear clothes that are comfortable (usually jeans and a hoodie), and I don’t wear make up. I couldn’t believe it. Clearly he’s hearing things at school or seeing stuff on TV. I have some work to do.
I think it’s important that we teach our boys as well. About their own bodies (my husband complains that he’s fat all the time, and it makes me cringe that our son is hearing that) and about girls’ bodies. Great post! Great suggestions.
John J. says
Terrific article! And well needed in our society. If you don’t mind I am going to borrow/steal your blog points for one of my newspapers articles. Giving credit where credit is due, of course.
Robin S. says
Thank you so much for this post. I have 18 month and 4 year old daughters and will soon have a 16 year old daughter through adoption and this subject has actually been on my mind a lot since I heard my 4-year say she was fat. I definitely had to wake up and pay attention to the words I use around her in reference to my own body image issues. I’ve started working on my own body acceptance so my girls are not just hearing me tell them they are beautiful but that I see myself as beautiful as well.
Sophie says
My so is four and is extremely body conscious. It makes me so sad that children are growing up like this. We use a lot of these tips with him and hopefully it will improve as he gets older. I’m not surprised though although I’m body confident now I was terribly conscious growing up.
Great read.
http://www.sophobsessed.com
Kate says
Thanks for sharing practical advice. One thing I think can be challenging to say is “be proud of your body” but also “don’t feel the need to show it off to get attention.” My husband is a youth pastor, and I find it to be a hard topic for me to chat about with our girls.
Sarah Jones says
WOW, you are definitely doing it right Brittany! Keep being the awesome mom that you are and continue to inspire those around you! Thanks!
Laura @FitMamaLove says
This is a good list and we do many things similarly at our house. I started thinking about it even with my oldest, who is a boy, since men have body image issues as well. I want both my kids to think about what their bodies can do and how activity makes them strong.
I think how you handle food is really interesting. I don’t consider any foods good or bad, but we do consider some foods treat foods in our house. So they have to eat a decent dinner before they get a dessert. I’ve also declared certain foods unhealthy (McDonald’s for instance), so that’s why we don’t eat there. But also say it’s ok if grandparents take them there because it’s only once in awhile (even though I’d rather they never did).
Chantal says
I totally agree and need to work on some of these things myself! I still have issues with my stomach stemming from my mom always telling me to “suck in” (not that I ever was overweight!!) I don’t let that out for my daughter though!
Kate says
Wow what an incredible post. I loved it.
I’ve struggled with my body image and overcome an eating disorder, and although not a mother, I hope that when I am in the future I radiate self love and serve as a role model to my daughter.
We must teach young girls to love themselves immediately . Ah, thank you for such a thoughtful and beautiful topic. You’re an inspiration!
Julie says
Thanks for sharing this! I especially love the “different kinds of beautiful.” Much as I love kids’ natural curiosity, I have to admit I am wary about my son reaching the age when he can ask loudly about something someone might be insecure about. It’s nice to have some ideas in my pocket about how I can address the differences he observes in others! (Although I have to say: I wish I could keep him two forever, when he just thinks other people and kids are interesting and has no negative thoughts about anyone!)
Ali says
Wonderful post. Agree on all points!
Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar says
This is a really lovely post, Brittany! I know there are a lot of factors that go into developing unhealthy body image, and a lot of things are outside of mom or dad’s control–but that doesn’t mean parents aren’t a really important influence in teaching children how to feel confident and positive in their bodies! I love the notion that food is just food for kids–I’ve read a lot about teaching kids intuitive eating, and one thing that they really stress is being as neutral as possible about it. Definitely keeping these thoughts in mind in case I someday become a mother myself!
Casey the College Celiac says
Even though I’m only 20 and (thank goodness) don’t have kids, I’ve thought about this topic a lot. I know that my mom’s struggles with her appearance definitely impacted me and I want my kids to have the most confident, health relationship with their bodies as possible. Thanks for the great tips and raising awareness on a hard subject!
Jessica @ Nutritioulicious says
Such a fantastic post Brittany and I can totally relate as I have twin 4 1/2 year old girls. I am so nervous for the teen (or tween!) years ahead as it feels like these days girls grow up so fast and I know how much I struggled with body image and insecurities when I was a teenager. We too don’t refer to food as good/bad and thankfully my girls love all foods, including the healthy meals I make for them. It scares me what will happen when what they eat is out of my control, but all I can do at this point is do the best to teach them and set them up for the future. Also, love that quote from Naomi Wolf!
Irina S. says
What a wonderful post! Everything here applies to girls, boys, adults, ANYONE whether or not they have children. Thank you for writing this. I’m thrilled that you are raising the next generation to be thoughtful, critically-minded, self-confident, uplifting people.
Pricilla Dsouza says
Well said ….I have daughters and i agree that both boys and girls should be raised this way.
Het phim says
Beautiful post, Brittany.