I love hearing your ideas for blog posts. Quite often you have better ones than I do so I appreciate the input! Recently you asked how I handle the tough days, the days that aren’t all about milestones and snuggles. So, let’s dig into it.
First, I want to be clear that I don’t sugar coat stuff on the blog. I tend to naturally focus on the positive and choose to see the good in people and situations most of the time. Still, for the 90% of me that shouts ‘choose joy!’ there is a 10% of me that is rolling her eyes at the cheerful girl because let’s be honest, tough days happen.
Mornings sometimes come too early and nap times are fought with fury because a sweet little 6 month old decides to throw her schedule to the wind. Three year olds (who shall remain nameless) sometimes have full-blown meltdowns when they realize the forgot to switch their night time ring to their morning ring (apparently jewelry is particular to the time of day it’s worn). Husbands call mid-day with news that they’ll be home by 9:00… if they’re lucky. Project coordinators call and let you know it’s probably going to be just a few more days on a project that was slated to last 4 weeks, but has turned into 3 months and counting. The house somehow gets to the point where there are more toys than floor.
Otherwise known as yesterday.
When the going gets tough, I’m sometimes tempted to throw my own tantrum, mock the culprit, pop open some 1pm vino or call up David and ask if he realizes how much I do on a daily basis, but none of those things offer real solutions (minus the wine…). Instead, I take a deep breath and roll through some real solution options:
1. Take a time out. I’ve been known to put myself in time out. Not only does this confuse the heck out of Hailey, it gives me a second to collect myself and reemerge calm(er). I’ll tell her that “mommy needs some quiet time” (because I have a terrible habit of speaking in third person) and she’s much more likely to quiet down herself than if I try to force her into a time out.
2. Vent to a friend that gets it. I have so many wonderful friends in all different life stages. When my frustration is kid/meltdown/exhaustion/mundane-ness related, it really helps to cry/whine/vent to a friend who knows what it is like to be a stay at home mom to two little ones. Bonus points if her husband travels or works crazy hours too. Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name brand of crazy.
3. Change the day’s game plan. I was supposed to make grilled halibut for dinner? Scratch it- we’re having popcorn. I need to pick up dry cleaning or other tasks that aren’t urgent? Forget them- we’re playing in the driveway. Anything that isn’t 110% necessary gets postponed to another day and I find that kind of easing up on my to-do list akin to a giant exhale. Little ones don’t understand deadlines, to do lists or schedules and I find that things get most hairy around here when I’m trying to run too tight of a ship.
4. Enlist the village. I’ll ask a friend to pick Hailey up from school if I’m in a pinch. I’ll hire a neighborhood girl to come over for an hour or two after school. I’ll snag a morning to myself that David has free to be with the girls. And if things get really piled up, I’ll call on Mema or Nana to come pitch in for a couple days. I don’t have family close by and that can be tough, but I remind myself I don’t need to be a martyr. There are solutions if I need more helping hands, I just need to look for them.
I believe I’ve mentioned before that my goal is to parent with patience and kindness. Do I fall short? All the dang time, but having that as my goal gives me perspective. As a mom, I feel the best thing I can do for my kids is to be their safe home base. This doesn’t mean they always get their way, but they need to know I can handle their crazy without flipping out myself.
But most of all, when I really feel run down I drink in a big dose of gratitude (and wine. …am I mentioning that too often? Me thinks so). On the long days, the tiring days, the I-must-have-a-million-new-gray-hair day, I remind myself that I am where I only dreamed I could be. I love being a stay at home mom to our two girls. I’m grateful for such a driven, devoted husband that gives me the opportunity to be the one here to handle the porch project, the doctors appointments, the constant feeding of the kids and dog, the whininess, the meltdowns and the sick days. Because in between all of those is where you’ll find the milestones, the looks of wonderment and the giggles.
Fellow SAHMs, how to handle the tough days?
Working moms, how do you juggle it all?
Women in general, I know we all have tough days whatever our situation, what’s your best technique for letting it go?
Christy says
Thanks for the post! I’d add shopping to my list of solutions. 😉 And never underestimate the power of a good preschool for a few hours of sanity each day. (And it gives me a few hours alone with my one year old, which is rare). Sometimes, though, I just need to take things back to basics when I’m feeling really overwhelmed. My girls and I took a ‘personal day’ yesterday. After a jam packed weekend that left us all a little run down, I cleared our schedules and we stayed in our pjs and played all day long. It was a true indulgence during this crazy hectic holiday season.
Brittany Dixon says
I love declaring a jammie day! Sometimes it’s easy to forget that one of the perks of being a SAHM is the power to take it easy one day just because. Sounds like a wonderful day off! 🙂
Karen says
Every age will bring new hurdles but you will learn to roll with them all. I have been a SAHM for 20 years and at the same time cared for other parents children in my home throughout those years.
It NEVER gets easier but is always rewarding in the end.
You have a beautiful family:)
Holly says
As a working mom of a 3 yr old, with a husband who works long hours, I’ve come to realize that there is only so much I can do before burning out. I love our after dinner playtime and overlook the toys/clutter overtaking our house. There will come a time when he won’t want to spend all our free time together, so I cherish it now and will clean later!
Brynn says
Oh my, I love this post! As a new mom to a ten week old, I can relate SO much. Often days end up much different than planned and I am working to keep perspective, do the have-tos and move the rest to another time. I’m a Type A through and through so please understand the difficulty of this! Ha! And yes, I have put myself in time out, even if that is a walk with the pup, a long shower or 30 min upstairs to watch my favorite show while the hubs and babe hang out. Thank you as always for your honesty!
LaToya says
I love this post. Your solutions are spot on and I am truly grateful for my circle of mom/wife friends that I can vent to.
I have had the pleasure of being both a stay at home Mom (I stayed home with Zoe for, I believe it was, 10 months) and a working Mom. Now that I have two, I’m grateful to go to work (gasp!) Being a stay at home Mom was exhausting for me. You NEVER get breaks because your day is pretty much dictated by the beautiful children. Although it was rewarding because I never missed a beat of them growing up, I enjoy that break I get through the day.
Working, I do the same as you, sometimes only the necessities get done. On the weekend, I make two dinners that should last the whole week. Evidently I cooked something our toddler didn’t want because yesterday, she chose cereal for dinner and you know what- I didn’t bat an eyelash. lol.
Brittany Dixon says
I have several friends that totally prefer being a working mom, too, and I totally understand it. While I can’t fathom how much you have to juggle, I have the occasional fantasy of what working might be like- real clothes, adult conversations, a solo bathroom break!? 😉
I know both scenarios have their pluses and minuses though. I think having the blog really helps me maintain a little piece of something that is just for me, and that feels good!
Lauren says
I have nothing constructive to add, but just wanted to say that I love this post. I’m a working mom of two-year-old twin boys, and some days it really helps to hear from another mom who understands all of these challenges (and can express them so much more eloquently than I ever could). Thanks for writing just what I needed to read today. 🙂
Christina says
Great post, Brittany! I am a working mom to an almost 3 year old girl, and like you, my husband works some crazy long hours (and weekends). Some weeks I’m just totally overwhelmed and tired, so when that happens, I throw up my hands and cut myself some slack – 2 episodes of Sofia the First at night so I can pull dinner together and do laundry? Check! Chicken nuggets two days in a row? Sure. 4 days without a bath? Whatever works. You do what ya need to do!
Jerrica says
AMEN. Let.It.Go. If I can’t get to it today, I will try again tomorrow. Toys all over the floor, a 24 pack of crayons that are broken and peeled of the paper laying EVEYWHERE, dishes in the sink, laundry folded but not put away…It happens. I get the most calm from going to bed and trying again tomorrow.
MrsFF says
It is tough but somehow we all make it work. I’m a working mom with a hubby that works crazy long hours that sometimes I feel like a single married mom! It helps to remember that there are days when everything is rosy because those days make the crazy ones a lot easier to handle
Brittany Dixon says
Oh man, working plus a husband with crazy hours- I’m impressed!! And I totally agree, focusing on the good (whether it’s moments or days) help when the going gets tough.
Nicole says
God knew I needed this post today. Yesterday was a rough one. My husband is out of town, and I went to bed last night exhausted and praying for a better day today. I find it hard to admit to others when days are tough because I know many people would give anything to be able to stay home with their kids. In all honesty, I have days where I wish I could put on real clothes and go to a job to interact with adults, but never say this aloud. I love that you put yourself in time-out. This is something I must try.
Where did you meet your SAHM friends? We moved here a year ago and don’t have family close. I’m having a heck of a time meeting other moms.
Holly says
while I’m not a SAHM, I have made most of my mom friends via meetup.com. They have all sorts of different groups on there – its a great resource if you haven’t checked it out yet!
Brittany Dixon says
I hope yesterday ended up being a better one for you! Those tough days hit hard sometimes. I’ve made friends all over- through womens’ church groups, through a free class at Gymboree (got the other moms’ numbers), library story time, buying chicken at the grocery store and starting a conversation at the park. I’ve learned that most moms are looking for a connection and often a friendly hello and a little conversation can get the friendship ball rolling.
Kathleen Ojo @ My Ojos says
“…they need to know I can handle their crazy without flipping out myself.”
That really resonates with me this morning! I’m a working mom with a 2-year-old, and my husband just started a new job where he’s working long hours and spending 3.5 hours in the car commuting, meaning that the house stuff is my sole responsibility too now. It’s overwhelming! I find myself very frustrated at my daughter and struggling not to lose it sometimes. It is nice to be reminded that I’m not going crazy because I work too much, I’m out of touch with my kid, etc. I’m going crazy because….. kids make you crazy! Whether you spend your days wrapped up in their world, or not. Great post!
Ashley @ My Food N Fitness Diaries says
You wrote this SO well… It’s a relief to relate so well to what you’re saying. Hats off and mad props to all moms out there. Not every day is rainbows and butterflies, that’s for sure. You’re doing an amazing job!
Marjorie @APinchOfHealthy says
As a working mom, I just have to let some stuff go. I have had to readjust my expectations time and time again.
Biggest current example: I am not sending a Christmas card this year. 🙁 We took a cute picture, but I realized last night I still have not ordered them. OOOOOPS. And let’s be honest…with the week we have, even if I DID order them, I will not address them. So I am letting that go, along with many other things I would like to do.
Brittany Dixon says
David printed the addresses for ours on sticky labels this year- thank goodness because otherwise I’m not sure ours would have made it out! I’m glad you were able to let it go because in the grad scheme of things- who cares?! I just would have been miffed if I bought ours and didn’t get around to mailing them ha!
char eats greens says
Some really good points! I definitely do the timeouts too. I think it helps both parties by just being apart for a few minutes. I definitely need to work on the support now that we live in a new area with virtually no support! I love being at home, but apart from the things that cause bad days for me, I am always worried that Nia is not developing in some way because I missed an opportunity or something. I just want to make sure I’m aiding her development in the ways I can! Oh mom problems!
Kelli H (Made in Sonoma) says
On hard days, I turn to my mom and David. I always vent to both of them about whatever is happening. I love to get their perspectives and support. I try to remember on hard days to do a workout, even if it’s just walking Ryder. It definitely helps me relieve stress. If it’s really bad, then yes, I’ll turn to a glass of beer or wine, and that usually helps do the trick. 😉
Brittany Dixon says
Great point about gout. It’s amazing how just being outside and moving can do wonders for my psyche… then I’ll join you for that glass of wine! 😉
Sherry says
Beautifully stated! Wish I was closer to be able to pitch in for a few hours a day with those beautiful, sweet girls!
Brittany Dixon says
I wish you did too!! They love their Nana <3
Heather says
Those are some really good points you brought up. I definitely need to be better about giving myself timeouts and just accepting that things may not get done and to heck with it. I work full-time, which I thought would make me more present with my kids when I am with them, but instead I often just feel more stressed because there are so few hours to get do everything that needs doing and spend time with them. I often feel stretched too thin, so I’m trying to be better about letting messes be and spending a little more money on healthy eat-out options so I’m not rushing home to make dinner every night when I’ve got two kids who just want mommy to play with them and hold them.
Brittany Dixon says
Oh yeah,just let the messes be! I’m slow to embrace that myself, but really, the other day I spent an hour picking up and organizing and this morning? It’s chaos again all over. Sometimes I wonder whats the point?! Better to soak up just being together 🙂
Michelle G. says
I work part time. It’s kind of funny how I wish I was home with my kids when I’m at work but then sometimes I actually look forward to going into the office when I’m home. It’s hard to appreciate what you have. My current struggle revolves around my two month old’s pure abhorrence of the carseat. She screams her head off in the car, making it nearly impossible for me to take both kids anywhere. That, combined with the weather makes me feel like we are trapped inside our house. Okay, not terrible.
Brittany Dixon says
Oh I feel you on the carseat. Kaitlyn is not a fan either. I find getting the timing right can help but nothing is more stressful than driving with a screaming baby, right?!
Natalie @ The Ravenous Mommy says
Great post! I’m a SAHM to a 20 month old. Sometimes I think I am going crazy! What makes it harder is that we are on the road for my hubby’s work, and I have no babysitter (at the moment) or family to help out. My sanity comes from his nap times alot, haha. I need that break in the day to recharge, whether its work out or bake or read a magazine. This job is harder than any other job I have ever had! But its the most rewarding too 🙂
Monica says
I think (as a full-time working mom) that my biggest mantra is, “This isn’t going to last.”
Both the good times and the bad. When Harlow is teething and up the whole night crying, and I watch the hours of sleep I’m not getting tick by, knowing I still have to get up and work, I know that it is just a blip. Same with when she wants to hug and kiss me and sing and dance with me, or cuddle on my lap, or needs me… it isn’t going to last.
Knowing how fast this all goes (my pregnancy and her 20 months of life so far has just FLOWN by!) and knowing that she might be our only baby, really helps me to calm down and truly savor it… even to some extent the sleepless nights and hard times. Before I know it, it will all be over and she’ll be grown up and gone.
Okay, I’m going to go cry now…
Brittany Dixon says
I can’t think about it too much either because I get teary! Even though (at this moment) right now H is protesting nap and K is all sorts of off schedule, I think of the day that they both want to be out and about with friends and not me and it helps me gain some perspective. Like you said- not going to last so soak up the good we can right now 🙂
chelsey @ clean eating chelsey says
Mommyhood is a wonderful, joyous, but so so hard thing. I loved this post.
I’ll be the first to admit that I DON’T juggle it all – if it weren’t for the fact that my mom and MIL watch the girls at my house, I would be running around like a chicken with my head cut off most days!
Paulina says
Spot on post. I don’t know how I juggle it all! I am really efficient on my lunch break when I have 40 minutes at home in an empty house to eat lunch and prep dinner and tidy up and play with the dog and and and… Lowering my expectations helps too. haha! I love reading the comments from all the other moms today.
Martha Jane says
I’m a new mom and my little guy is super clingy. I’ve been known to put him down (when he’s fed, clean, not in pain, just screaming for no reason) in his swing and just go into the bathroom for a few minutes. Keeps me sane!
Alex @ get big, go to work says
Brittany, I absolutely love your blog! Your positive energy is so contagious and though I know not everyday is sunshine and rainbows, kids or not, I constantly come back to your blog for your helpful tips, high energy, and positive outlook. I try to handle my tough days but trying to always see the good or positive in the situation. It’s not always easy, but your blog reminds me how important it is. If that doesn’t work, talking to someone (usually my mom or fiance) helps. They put it all in perspective!
Tanya says
It’s all about slowing down, and sometimes even questioning why I am getting so worked up. Why is the whining driving me nuts.? I can choose to not let it get to me. Making choices is something I am constantly teaching Eleanor and occasionally I need a lesson in it too. Today, for instance, we had to go to the mall for a quick exchange…but you know that is not a quick trip. On the way home it was too close to lunch time and too close to nap time to have a toddler cooped up in the back seat. She whined and fussed about every living thing under the sun. But then all of a sudden she says “mommy,” and I say “what,” in my disgruntled way, and she just says “Pray,” and clasps her hands together. Oh right, Eleanor, you are so much smarter than I give you credit for! Amen!
Brittany Dixon says
Oh that Eleanor has a way of melting hearts doesn’t she?! Its amazing what our kids can teach us if we give them the opportunity.
Kaylee @ Just a Girl with a Glass says
I’m one of those naturally happy, positive people and I get asked all the time if it’s an act or am I always like this. I’d rather be a part of the light rather than a part of the dark side 🙂 Giving yourself a “time out” is an awesome idea. It gives you that minute you need to back up and calm it down. I’m a working momma and it can definitely get to be too much sometimes. When those times come I try to squeeze in some “me” time. Even if it’s just a grocery trip. Anything to break myself away for a moment to just be at ease for a few minutes.
Christy @TheMuddyApron says
Such a great post. I’m debating whether or not to go back to work after this kiddo, so having all this information helps. Thank you for your honesty.
C.
Paula says
Such a beautiful photo!
Lauren says
Just an example of why you’re one of my absolute favorite bloggers! Seriously, Brittany, yours is the first blog I go to, and posts like this are a big reason why! I’ve been going to a women’s Bible study on Tuesday mornings and it has been sooo wonderful. I used to do that in the evenings, and even though now I pay for child care at our church to go during the day, it is so worth it!!! I love the encouragement, inspiration, perspective, laughter, and shared tears that come from being in the trenches with these ladies, plus I get a little break and C gets to learn from wonderful teachers and play with other kids. Win win. 🙂
Carolyn says
Loved it Brittany; what a beautiful combination of honesty yet positive and practical wisdom. I became a full time WM this year and I can honestly say it’s easier than Being a SAHM.
Erin says
I’m a full time stay at home mom and a part time working mom (I bring my baby to the office with me). It’s a great set up and I feel very lucky to get to spend so much time with my daughter while also getting to work some. But it’s also really hard, like days where she decides to be extremely fussy while I have a lot to get done. The biggest lesson I’m learning is to take lots of deep breaths, always try to put her first, and not to stress about the things that don’t absolutely have to be done that day.
Elizabeth Evans says
I have 2 little ones: 2.5 boy & 11 month girl. They are so much fun and really test my patience (to put it nicely). I work 3 days a week at my professional job that I’ve had for almost 8 years. I worked full time for 3 months with my first baby, and I could not make it work! I was struggling bad and just felt like I couldn’t keep up with anything! I knew I had to make a change and asked my work if I could adjust to a part time schedule. They agreed and it has been great! I wont lie – I feel ready to step up to the next level and haven’t for 2 years, which is hard – but I know that putting my family first is the right choice for me right now. The 4 days a week that I’m home, I have the same struggles as you Brittany! The 3 days that I’m at work have their own stresses! I think the key is to “find contentment” as my sister in law says. Good luck everyone : )!
Dorothy says
I love reading your blog… it’s the first one I scan for in my feed everyday…sometimes it’s the only one I get around to reading each day… but it’s because of your positive attitude, but regular reality checks that I can relate so well!
I’m a working mom, with my first, a 5 month old boy,, but I can relate so well on my crazy days off where I try to jam in too much that my little guy gets worn out! I’ve learned to schedule my day (when possible) so he can get his really good morning nap, and then he’s much more easy-going during the rest of my day. Grandma visits help (to my house, and to her house) if there’s something I need a good block of time to accomplish…
but all that being said, it’s the positive outlook, sometimes slow deep breaths, and sometimes letting things go that works the best for me!
Ashley S. says
I read this post when you wrote and i love it, how real and honest you are. But one thing you said really rang true to me and has stuck with me. I find myself repeating it to myself “they need to know I can handle their crazy without flipping out myself.” This encapsulates so much of what being a sensitive parent is– thing is kids have bad days too and so often we expect SO MUCH from our kids. But they aren’t grown, they are little people learning to deal with big emotions. And you are so right, I want my son to always know he can melt down and lose it with me – I can handle his crazy. I think that if we do that, if we are that safe haven then we will see them grow into their own well-regulated, self-composed persons. (: