I’ve gotten a few email requests for this topic and honestly, it makes me blush. Though I’m no expert on the topic, I am really proud of mine and David’s marriage. We both come from parents with strong marriages and it’s a priority for both of us, which I think really helps. When I was thinking about what the ONE THING would be I had several thoughts…
Date nights! Being your best self! Communication!
Then I started thinking about this phase of life we are in with two small children…
Date nights– HA! Those are few and far between at best. I feel so lucky to have had one at the beach and that one will have to hold us until… who knows when. Our sitters left for college (wahhhh).
Being your best self- Well, yes, I do believe taking care of yourself health wise is important. It may sound silly, but when David goes for a run, books a physical or downs the broccoli, it makes me feel like he cares about our long-term future together and ultimately me and our family, which I love. However, thank goodness this ‘best self’ is more of an overall health thing and doesn’t encompass being dressed like a functioning adult with make-up done on a daily basis or else he may have left me months ago.
Communication– Well yes, of course. Ability to communicate effectively is way up high on the list. And lucky for us, we’ve mastered the art of knowing just what the other is saying through exhausted sighs, couch flops and nudges when the baby cries in the middle of the night.
Then yesterday it dawned on me. What really helps keep out marriage strong at this stage of life can boil down to two small, yet significant, words.
THANK YOU.
Those two words can lessen the weight of any load. It shows you recognize the effort the other person is putting forth. It’s synonymous with being grateful in other aspects of life in the fact that it helps you to focus on and appreciate what you DO have instead of what you don’t. It makes each other feel valued. It makes this life and family feel like a team effort, which it 100% is. Hearing those words tells me that we aren’t keeping score; we’re both doing the very best we can.
Thank you for making dinner.
Thank you for taking care of those hospital bills.
Thank you for handling that time out.
Thank you for picking up the dry cleaning.
Thank you for working your tail off and bringing home those dollah dollah bills.
Thank you for filling my car up with gas.
Thank you for saying I look pretty without makeup and with circles under my eyes.
Thank you for remembering to call.
Thank you for helping with the dishes.
Thank you for understanding having to work late.
Thank you giving me those 5 minutes to sit quietly in the other room.
THANK YOU.
When I feel the urge to proclaim all I’ve been doing lately sweep over me, I try to stop. I think about what he’s been doing lately that may have gone unrecognized. Then instead of playing the ‘who is working harder/doing more’ game, I thank him sincerely because there usually are several things I haven’t been noticing. And when I get a sincere thank you from him out of left field, it reminds me that we are in this together, both doing our best.
I may have a higher need than most to feel appreciated (David can attest to that… is it a love language? If so, it is certainly mine), but I do firmly believe a little acknowledgment, appreciation and love instead of comparison can go a long way. Especially during this crazy time in life.
What do you think the secret to a strong and successful relationship is?
Do you think that secret changes throughout each life stage?
Jess says
I don’t comment often but I felt I had to today. I think you nailed it with this post! If someone had asked me what the ‘secret’ was, I don’t know if I would have thought to say this, but I totally agree with you. My husband and I constantly thank each other for all the little things we do everyday. When I’ve spent an extra long day with a grumpy ‘can’t put down’ baby, all I need is my husband to realize what a feat making dinner was that day :). Thanks for the great post!
Danica @ It's Progression says
This is such a sweet post, Brittany! And I think it’s awesome advice for any marriage – even mine when we don’t have any kiddos yet.
Bethany says
I read somewhere recently that it’s almost impossible for one spouse to notice 100% of what the other spouse is doing to keep the household going… and that the result of that is we all go around secretly thinking that we are doing more than the other person! I have been trying to keep that in mind ever since I read it… it’s so true, and you are SO right that taking a second to acknowledge your spouse’s hard work, to yourself and to them, makes a big difference!! I also agree with Jess’ comment… when it’s been a hard/almost impossible day, all I need my husband to recognize that and say thank you, and then I feel heard/acknowledged/appreciated!
Tina Muir says
Awww such a lovely post, and I can see why. You are the picture of a happy family, and it is wonderful that you still find time for love within yourselves. I will definitely be finding this post again someday 🙂 Thanks so much for being you!
Heather says
Wow, I feel like we are on the same page this week! My husband and I had this conversation last week b/c I was feeling exhausted from work, laundry, cleaning and taking care of Elizabeth and the list goes on. Finally, I just boiled over and started crying and he asked me what he could do and I said “I just want you to say thank you to me for doing all of these things.”
I think that thank you gets lost sometimes. The other person may be thinking it, but just doesn’t say it not thinking that it would really matter. When in reality it is the biggest two words that can be said in a relationship!
John J. says
How proud I am of my “associate” marriage and family therapist for giving, and practicing, such sage advice. Team, communication, and appreciation are surely key components for having a special marriage and raising awesome kids. Way to walk your talk!
Karen says
Being on the same page as far as disciplining your children goes will help also.
I see this everyday in my profession. Parents that don’t agree or follow through with what they say will happen if there child does this or that again. Both parents need to be on the same page and follow through.
Why say it if you are not going to uphold it?
You can be your child’s best friend but…. you need to be the parent first!!!!
Heather @fitncookies says
I am a huge proponent of saying Thank You. I try to say it for even the little things, because I know I love hearing it. It makes me feel better about my efforts and that they don’t go un noticed if I say it. Definitely a great secret!
Parita @ myinnershakti says
Vishnu and I definitely rank communication high on the list. It’s truly the foundation of our marriage (of course there are other things but this one has proven to be the most important). But you’re absolutely right, genuine appreciation goes a long way as well. More than the words themselves, it’s knowing that the other person recognizes your efforts. Great post!!
char eats greens says
Stooooooppppp making me want to cry!! hahaha. Man, thank you really IS key!! I think it works well for me and Tyler too, but I never thought of it like this and it’s an amazing way of looking at it, and definitely puts a new perspective on those two words for me. I think Tyler and I need more time to connect together. We were lying in bed last night and I told him that I want to make sure we’re talking/telling each other about our days and not just coasting through our nights together when he gets home from work, and he agreed! So we’ll try it out tonight!
Amanda Perry @ Sistas of Strength says
I LOVE this. I have actually noticed how much better my husband and I get along when we thank each other for working hard, cleaning, being a great mom/dad, etc. I know it makes me feel appreciated when he says it to me and I try to let him know that I appreciate him too. 🙂
Lisa O says
Soooo true! Appreciating each other makes all the difference, I love what you said, Brittany. I’m almost 39 weeks pregnant and chasing a 2.5 year old toddler like you just a couple months ago, and having my husband say thank you for small things I do to make his life easier really lifts my spirits! And thanking him for working hard so I can be at home with my gorgeous girl and big tummy makes him feel good too. Great advice and reminder, thank you for this sweet post.
Jen says
I am the SAME WAY with needing appreciation! Our first is just a few months old, and it certainly makes marriage more difficult (but also wonderful, if that makes sense), and I recently realized that it’s not that I want things to be different, I just like being acknowledged and thanked. My husband is a superstar when it comes to housework, so I’m trying to remember to thank him for that consistently, and if I need to be told thank you or that I’m appreciated, I just ask him! I have also asked about a zillion times for him to tell me I’m a good mom, because sometimes I just need a little reassurance.
Great post!
Kelli H (Made in Sonoma) says
I’m not sure I would have wrote Thank You as a secret to a strong marriage, but you are 100% correct. I always make a point to thank David for doing little tasks for me that make my life easier. I also feel awesome when I get a thank you from him. It definitely does help a marriage, I believe. I also like being appreciated by anyone. Acknowledgment for your hard work or thoughtfulness always makes it worth it ten-fold. 🙂
Caitlin says
I love this. We don’t have kids, but we both work hard at our jobs and those 2 words make such a difference when we’re both stressed and there are 8 million things to do around the house. It’s so easy to keep score. And I’m with you, I have an overwhelming need for appreciation in everything I do- without it, I don’t feel like working hard enough/doing things correctly/doing enough.
Jess says
Such brilliant advice! I want to pritnt this out and put it on our fridge so neither of us forget it!
Emily K says
Such fantastic advice that I really needed to hear today. Just a simple ‘Thank you’ does go a really long way and helps me recognize all of the mundane things that my husband does every day to keep our house running and everyone alive 🙂
Marnie @ SuperSmartMama says
This post really resonated with me. Prior to becoming parents, it was alot easier to keep a marriag strong… we went out regularly, spent time with friends, and it was easier to know who we were as a couple, being out and about regularly. Then you become parents and your world becomes alot smaller…there’s less going out and more isolation and alot less time to spend confirming your relationship.
I know that communication has been really key for us. There are days when I don’t feel “couple-y” and I am totally comfortable telling my husband that I am not feeling great about our relationship and that we need to work on it. That has been really important for keeping our marriage strong.
Kathy says
You always nail it! Good post! It can be all the little things too. Appreciate each other!
Maria says
Definitely agree with that thanks you’s. I think each of our love languages more or less are an expression of gratitude. For instance, my love language is service. I worked 22+ hours this weekend doing an event and when I had to drive all over picking up last minute things, Brandon offered to go with me and help. He wasn’t getting paid for helping me do my job, but he knew I’d feel better if he were along with me. By the time I got home that night at midnight, he had emptied the dishwasher, done laundry and made sure the apartment was spotless because he knows cleaning is also my language 🙂 But yes, a little gratitude or appreciation goes a long way. (So do surprise gifts in teal boxes. Kidding!)
Emily @ Perfection Isn't Happy says
I was just thinking about this last night, and I love your advice. I think one of the best secrets for my husband and I is lots of laughter. Last night I was angry at him because of something silly ( I don’t even remember now haha), and he just started being goofy and making me laugh. He understands my personality (I take things too seriously sometimes), so when that happens, he balances me out. So I guess that’s another thing — don’t take things too seriously, and have fun together as friends!
Lauren says
Yes!! Love this post. Praying for my husband, thanking him, being intimate, and having fun together (doesn’t have to be date nights-just being silly and laughing together), and the right kind of arguing (not saying “you always, you never” etc)–all things that really keep our marriage strong. And Brittany yes wanting to be appreciated I think goes with words of affirmation which I think is my top love language. Being “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry” are wise Biblical words in marriage and all relationships too 🙂
Cassie says
As mom of two toddlers with a third on the way in a few months, I couldn’t agree more! The power of those two words is just so strong and goes a loooong way! I read something recently that has stuck with me when I find myself falling into the who did more/comparison trap. I read that we tend to overvalue our contributions by 50% and undervalue our spouse’s by 50%. When you think of it like that, it sure does add some perspective! Thanks for this post! I love checking in to read your blog:-)
Lauren B. says
I think you totally hit the nail on the head! I didn’t even realize it until I read this post, but those two words are EVERYTHING. Words of affirmation and gratitude are my love language for sure. Especially at this point, with being overwhelmed with a toddler and a newborn, I am totally falling short in many aspects of my marriage, but at least I tell my husband how grateful I am for all of his help. And he’s grateful for all that I do, and that’s going to have to be enough for right now.
Brittany @ Delights and Delectables says
This is spot on friend!