This pregnancy is different from how I remember last time being. There are physical differences: belly getting bigger more quickly, skin breaking out, more nausea etc, but I really feel the emotional side has been much more intense than last time.
I find myself able to cry at the drop of a hat, then I get overly excited for what’s to come, then I feel anxious with no explanation. I’m on a constant rollercoaster. I used to be a much more emotional person in high school and college, but with age and marriage (David keeps me stable ;)), I’ve been much more balanced and rational, so these ups and downs are tough to deal with sometimes.
I literally cried last night over hummus and carrots in the kitchen at 10pm because I hadn’t gotten our Elf out yet and felt like a lame mom.
To give you more of an example, all of these thoughts go through my head in about a 10 minute time span…
How am I ever going to handle two kids?
I think I want four kids.
Am I being a good wife? Does David know he comes first?
Did I pick up the cards to mail out?
Shoot- dry cleaning has been ready for over a week.
Why is my house a constant mess when I feel like I’m always cleaning?
How is the laundry basket overflowing again?
Poor Koda needs more attention.
Dang it dog, please let me go to the bathroom by myself!
Oh, that candle makes me happy. I think I’ll put on Christmas music and dance.
Why is Christmas coming so fast?!
21 days isn’t long enough to celebrate. I haven’t even gotten the Elf out yet (cue tears).
What Christmas gifts do I have left to get?
Shoot, I need to make another trip to Target? I think I’ll skip looking at the credit card statement this month.
Ugh, this gut is ridiculous and doesn’t fit in my jeans. Oh wait, I’m pregnant.
Did I just forget that I’m pregnant?
Only a terrible mom forgets that she’s pregnant. I hope baby girl knows how excited I am to meet her.
aww…sisters! (heart explodes with joy)
Wait, am I really ready to have my boobs exploding with milk again?
Sure, I can’t wait to breastfeed again.
Oh wait, cracked nipples. Ouch.
Can I say nipples on my blog?
What am I even blogging about?
Am I defining my blog or is my blog defining me?
Should I post more recipes? People seem to like those.
Gosh I’m hungry again. I’m always hungry.
I haven’t written about Hailey in a while. I should do an update!
…or does that make me too much of a mommy blogger?
Should I just transition to all mommy blogging?
…but I love food and health too much. Should I stop writing about mommy stuff? Hmm..
Do I actually fit in to any blogging genre? Should I try to?
Ahhh why do I care?!
Why am I blogging anyway?
Should I quit?
Then what would I do?
Maybe I’d be a better mom. Maybe I could teach Hailey Spanish.
I guess I’d have to learn Spanish, too.
Hailey can count to 10 by herself! …wait, should she be counting higher? She knows her colors! …what else is she supposed to know by now? I am doing a good job of helping her learn?
Shoot, I still have to put her big girl room together that is currently littered with a mixture of Christmas decorations and fall decorations with missing dry wall.
I have so much to do!
I want to do nothing. Maybe I’ll watch Love Actually and have a good cry.
Where is David?
Gosh, his job’s schedule drives me freaking crazy.
Gosh, I’m so fortunate he’s so hard working and takes great care of us. I’ll pick him up a fancy beer.
I really should try to look more like a woman and less like a sloppy mom too.
…but who has time to dry this crazy hair? Not me.
Wow, I’m so self-centered and frivolous.
Remember how much I have to be grateful for.
So are grateful people not allowed to feel stressed?
Should I blog about this?
No, I’d sound like a nut. Besides, I need to talk about fitness. It’s been a while…
But first, I seriously have to tackle my emails.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Just writing it all out confirms I’m indeed a crazy person and pretty whiny in my internal dialog lately. In fact, I’m debating on whether to even hit publish or not because this stream of consciousness has no point. It just shows my brain and emotions are on overdrive. I know all these thoughts are self-focused and I’d do much better to not think less of myself, but just to think about myself less. However, it’s my current state of (in)sanity and somehow just writing it all out makes me feel better.
I guess I’m just looking to get it all of my chest and perhaps I’m looking for a little confirmation that I’m not alone? ::crickets::
Do you have days where your mind runs wild with worry, joy, self-doubt and excitement all at once?
On that note, I think I’ll give yoga a try today. Hopefully it will heal my crazy.
Jen says
Haha LOVE this and I could have written it. I wasn’t emotional at all when I was pregnant or postpartum with Wyatt, but this time OMG.
We’re going on a “babymoon” this weekend and I sobbed hysterically last night and debated canceling it b/c it’ll be the first time we both leave Wyatt. Jeff thinks I’m crazy.
Maggie says
Thanks for continuing to be honest. It’s so refreshing. None of us are perfect and get overwhelmed and question our decisions even when we are doing a great job. It is so easy to get caught in that worrying cycle. Pregnancy definitely always has made me feel everything that much more intensely. I just keep trying to stay in the moment and not be too hard on myself. Write what you want to write about even if you lose a few readers. It’s your story and you make it authentic which is why people enjoy following you.
Brittany Dixon says
Thanks Maggie! I do find when I try to write what I think people want is when I lose my way. I’m pregnant with a two year old, so it’s only natural that motherhood comes before recipe development. It’s still nice to hear from someone else that that’s ok!
Lee says
Pretty much describes me to a t.
Marjorie says
Yes! Mental ping pong is a side effect of motherhood. I am guessing it increases with each child, although I cannot say for sure since I only have one. 🙂
Pregnancy definitely amps it up, especially the emotions around all of those ping-ponging thoughts.
Then you go from the ping-pong brain to the mush brain (due to no sleep) after the baby is born. Breastfeeding prolongs mush brain, I am convinced. Ah, motherhood! Ain’t it grand?!
jodi says
Hang in there chica. Its just the hormones, you are not crazy. Or maybe you are and you are using pregnancy as a cop out. ha ha!! Just kidding. I can honestly say your brain sounds a lot like mine even when I am not pregnant! 🙂 But it was DEFINITELY worse when pregnant. And the one thing that is even more frustrating is recognizing that you are hormonal and pretty much have no control over it. LIke you recognize you are acting crazy, but you can’t really put a stop to it. Technically, you can calm your inner emotions, but overall, hormones are hormones. Just remind yourself of that. It will get better, so just hang in there!! Keep venting, reaching out to friends and family and take time for yourself. And cry when you feel like you need to cry. Sometimes that can be cathartic in and of itself. I am still working on getting life on track this week, but I am planning on touching base soon so we can come up with time to get together!! I am a great sounding board I promise!! 🙂
Brittany Dixon says
Ah, that’s the worst part! In my head I’m thinking ‘you are acting ca-razy’ but I can’t control it! I’ve found myself cracking up laughing through my tears and feeling truly insane. Haha! Just writing it out has helped though. I feel a little more sane today. So far so good 😉
Parita @ myinnershakti says
Glad you published this post! It’s good to know I’m not the only one with a million scattered thoughts running through my head. Ha! And the emotional side of pregnancy freaks me out because I’m so emotional as it is. Eek!
Amanda says
Ha! Love this post, and can SO relate to ya 🙂
Leah says
Brittany-
I am pretty sure all of these thoughts are normal! I have the same ones all of the time. It’s okay. 🙂 We will get through it. At the end of the day…life really isn’t so bad.
Ashley says
Thank you so much for this post!!! I’m a mom to a sweet 2 1/2 year old girl and 2 month old boy/girl twins… And this sounds exactly like my constant internal dialogue. Lol. I guess it comes with the mommy territory. My hubby is my calm in the storm also. What would we do without them? Thank you again for your honesty!!! I love reading about you and your precious growing family. Hang in there… You are doing awesome mama!!!!
Kristen says
You are not alone! I have these kind of crazy thoughts all the time and I’m not even pregnant! Glad to know I’m not the only one who’s crazy cakes!
😉 I like the mix of content on your blog. It’s my only must read right now!
Sara @ lifebetweenthemiles says
I absolutely LOVED this post, I was laughing the whole time. I completely agree with the pregnancy brain, however, there are times now that I have internal dialogues in my head like that and I’m not pregnant!! 🙂
Kelsey says
oh my gosh….hahhaahhaha. thank you for that this morning! I feel like that all the time and im not pregnant! Slow down, give yourself some grace & know you are a great mom and wife !
Elizabeth @ My Neon Running Shoes says
Hahahahahah SO true!!! My pregnancy brain is very similar 😉 Especially the how will I handle two kids, wait I think want 4 part. Lol!
Shelby says
I LOVE this post!! I’m not pregnant and always have a million things going on in my brain like that, even my husband says he’d freak out if he had to live in my brain for a day! Ha I look forward to your blog everyday, the mix of posts and honesty is perfection!
Stefanie says
HAHA I have no pregnancy excuse and I do this!!
You’re a great mom and a great blogger and reading your blog brings a smile to my face every time!
Katy says
I cried twice as much with Addie. Even talked to my doctor about it because I wasnt excited about being pregnant and felt sooooooo guilty. He said that was totally normal. I had already been there, done it, nothing was “new” if you will. He then went on to add that I would LOVE the baby phase twice as much with number two because I wouldnt let the silly stuff bother me and he couldnt have been more right. Let the emotions go and just ride them all out!
Caitlin says
Love the dog follow to the bathroom. I say that every freaking day!
Ashley @ My Food N Fitness Diaries says
Oh my goodness, these thoughts…totally ME! LOL. And for the record, I’m not even pregnant. You’re doing a GREAT job! Hugs!
Ali says
That’s me every day too and I’m 9 months postpartum! I constantly a nut job and I blame it on breastfeeding hormones but I don’t even know how valid that is at this point.
Verna says
Hahahahaha!! This is so me!! I was so scared to have two kids and now I have 3! It gets better!! We’re planning one more for sure, even. 🙂 I wasn’t engorged at all the 2nd time!
Sarah (SHU) says
Totally get it 🙂 except the 4 kids part – ahhh!! I am so excited to be done after this one 🙂
julia says
haha, i love this!! i’m not pregnant so this hasn’t happened yet to me but I do sometimes feel like my mind is racing. thanks for sharing!
Paulina says
Ahahaaha!! Been there. I think we all have. The back and forth of guilty thoughts over who knows what (the dog, the elf, doesn’t matter) followed by who cares anyway followed by I’m hungry…I get that too. Pregnancy hormones are a b***h!
Christie says
Welcome to my brain! lol! I think i’ll make Ryan read this so he realizes it’s not just me 😉 Unfortunately, this is always me, not just pregnant.
Tracy says
Boy does that all sound familiar!! I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Haha! You are DEFINITELY not alone 🙂
Allison says
Well I have NO idea what is wrong with me! I am not pregnant & my thoughts have ALWAYS been like that. We are about to get married so it’s constant worry about the wedding, what if no one comes? To what if I suck at being a wife?
I think that is just how it is! My future husband says women’s brains are like a plate of spaghetti, all the noodles are important but they are all mixed so you never know what is going to pop up!
And you rock I wish I cooked half as often as you do!
Michele says
Your honesty is awesome! I often have ALL these thoughts and I’m not even pregnant!
Christy says
Haha! It’s funny because I swore up and down that my emotions weren’t affected by pregnancy but now that i’m no longer pregnant…I can honestly say I was a nutcase! You can’t control it, so just go with the flow. 🙂 We just had our second baby girl. Our girls are 18 months apart so life is a constant roller coaster. Hope you enjoy the ‘ride’ as much as I do!
Anni says
Haha! I just laughed out loud. Being 21 weeks with baby 3 I can totally relate. My brain is running 24/7 and arguing with itself!
Ellen says
This is one of my favorite posts because it makes me feel like a human and not the ridiculous sobbing woman I was for 17 weeks of my pregnancy. My poor husband…and daughter!
I will say it evened out after 20 weeks, but my sobbing has been replaced with a super short fuse. I feel like I’m perpetually grumpy/exhausted/behind/feeling frumpy…you name it.
This, too, shall pass? Internet hugs to you!
Alise says
You’re not alone! I cried 3 times at the gym yesterday, and I was barely there for an hour. MUCH more emotional for the second go-round. It won’t last forever! 🙂
Katya says
you are soooo not alone! I go through a similar thought process every day (also pregnant) :).
Lindsay says
This is me everyday! However my internal dialogue is more self deprecating :(. And I’m not pregnant, I’m like with with normal hormones.
Ashley says
DO NOT quit blogging!!! Puh Lease! We love your blog. I like all of it…hailey updates & her eating, your meal planning/cooking AND exercise updates. I don’t think you’re crazy! I think you are AWESOME! I think a lot of our minds work like this. Cheers to being totally normal 😉
Emily says
LOVE this!! NOT pregnant but want to try for #2 real soon. I feel like I have these kind of thoughts all the time as a mom of a little one, cant imagine adding those hormones in. And the feeling of “am I really doing this again?” Please keep blogging, I loved how you asked what genre is the blog? Sometimes I think that about my own life and I dont even have a blog! lol!
Lauren B. says
So, I’m not the only one? Phew.
Kristen @ notsodomesticated says
Love this. Love love love the honesty!
Meredith says
Best. Post. Ever. Thanks.
Danica @ It's Progression says
Well, I’ve never been pregnant, so I really can’t relate to this, but it did make me smile and I’m glad you decided to share : )
Bonnie says
OMG ! Brit you are totally not alone!!
I have running dialogs in my head… I can argue w myself & sometimes I actually win lol! I usually tell people that I’m in my own little world, but they know me there so it ok!!
I’m def not preg, my “baby” is 25 yrs old !!! I have ADD ( really) so I have lots of experience w 9 millions things going on at once.. I call it ping ponging.. I go to kitchen to get water,but then I realize I have to empty the dishwasher, why did I come into the kitchen? Oh yeah water, but my recipes need filing (some are on real paper). Then wow I found that chicken recipe, I’ll make it tonite, but wait no chicken in house….. My hubby knows when it’s been a crazy day cause I have so many little projects started all over the house & none completed!!!!
Oh well…. Btw I love reading your blog, makes me smile every time!
Feel good & you are a wonderful wife/mom/cook/blogger all rolled up in one terrific package!!!
Kim says
Are you in MY head? Just had our second three weeks ago (first one is a girl, second a boy and they are 22 months apart) and about a month before he was born I sent my husband a huge list via email of all the things running through my head because I felt like I was just spinning in circles with everything goin on up there. TOTALLY normal 🙂 I’ve been reading the book Maxed Out and it’s helped confirm I’m not the only one as does your post. We mamas just have a lot on our plate and a lot to worry and care about that sometimes it gets a little overwhelming.
Heather says
Great post, you are not alone this is me everyday! I’m not pregnant and I don’t know how I will handle all of the extra stuff that will go into my brain once we decide to have a second one. By the way don’t ever quit blogging, I love reading your blog even though I have a tendency to sometimes get behind a day or two.
Kelli says
I echoe what Heather said this is me and I’m not preggers!!
Amy @ Long Drive Journey says
Haha this sounds like my brain sometimes and I’m perfectly UNpregnant! 😉
Emma says
Thank you for this post. I am totally going through the same thing and it’s so comforting to know that when my husband is 2 hours late, bawling my eyes out and thinking about how I could raise a child alone (happened last night) isn’t quite as crazy as I thought.