This post has been brewing in my head for years now, but I was never quite sure how to put it all into words. All I knew was that from early on, back when Hailey was newly a toddler, I wanted her to be driven by an internal force. I wanted her to have thirst for knowledge and a sense of personal responsibility. I wasn’t quite sure how to verbalize why I didn’t offer rewards for potty training or sticker charts for good behavior. In fact, it took me years to realize the correct terminology of what it was I was so passionate about instilling in my children. Now I’ve learned that what I wanted most was for my children to be intrinsically motivated.
Intrinsic motivation refers to behavior that is driven by internal rewards. In other words, the motivation to engage in a behavior arises from within the individual because it is intrinsically rewarding.
Yes. This. This is what David and I wanted for our kids.
Once I learned the terminology, I couldn’t stop reading into it. I wanted to know how to do a better job at encouraging this in my children. I wanted to teach my children from the start about taking ownership in their own successes and failures.
As I researched I learned the basics. We are all born with intrinsic motivation. It’s how we learn to sit up, walk and talk. The action we are working towards learning is appealing because the reward comes in the mastery of the skill itself.
I’ve kept this philosophy in my head as I parent because I don’t think children should be rewarded for doing what is expected of them. In my mind, things like being respectful and helping out are things you do because you are a decent human being and a member of the family. That’s how my parents raised me (I think I may even remember my mom and dad saying that exact phrase?).
Also, I do not believe in regular bribery as parenting tactic.
[Tweet “Intrinsic Motivation in Kids: Why We Don’t Do Sticker Charts”]
The problem with bribing children to do something is that they could possibly grow up believing that they always deserve some additional reward for simply doing what they are expected to do.
Additionally, rewards only work for the short term. I won’t say I never use them; I do! However, I try to limit using them to one-time-only situations. A recent example: a family road trip where the kids were exhausted from too much excitement and travel. They were taking forever to get buckled up so I said as soon as they buckled up we could start a movie. You can imagine how quickly they jumped in their seats!
Research points to using an extrinsic motivation in occasional situations is different than using rewards for everyday tasks, which run the risk of squashing internal motivation. I don’t want my kids asking me what’s in it for them every time I need them to do a simple task like brushing their teeth or putting on their shoes. I don’t want them to think bargaining with me over everyday tasks is an option.
I’m going to take a step back real quick. Have I bribed my children before? Yes. Have I been so tired on days that I just don’t care? Of course! But as I’ve continued to see the proof of the principles of intrinsic motivation bear fruit in my kids, I continuously recommit myself to strive for consistency in my actions.
Research concludes that internal motivation requires three elements: competency, autonomy and connection.
Adhering to these suggestions, several things have proven to work in our household:
- Praising effort rather than success or innate abilities. If you tell a child he or she is so smart, then it is very realistic that they could rest on their laurels then become frustrated and abandon a task that does not come easy to them. Conversely, praising them for their efforts despite the outcome will build their confidence in their ability to work hard for something that is important to them.
- Pointing out progress. Attention spans in young children aren’t often long so pointing out milestones they are reaching along the way can be helpful in showing them how far they’ve come. Examples of this include exclaiming with excitement the number of books they have read this week or pointing out that they only have one chore left to do. Breaking large tasks into smaller parts helps kids (and I’d say adults as well) to stay focused. Feeling successful will breed motivation to reach the next goal.
- Encouraging autonomy by offering choices and encouraging problem solving. Having Hailey take ownership in a task is a huge part of our success in getting her to do it. Beginning in the toddler years I fell in love with offering options. Would you like to put your clothes in the hamper now or after bath? Being able to choose helped her feel empowered. Encouraging problem solving can be tedious, especially when I can do something so much more quickly myself, but it’s really a hugely important skill to help her develop. For example, when she whines that she can’t reach the cup in the cabinet, I talk her through solving the problem herself. Kaitlyn takes to the problem solving thing more naturally, but some children like Hailey benefit from a little encouragement that they can in fact handle more situations themselves than they might believe.
- Having realistic expectations. Goodness knows I am not focused and motivated all the time, so it would be pretty unrealistic for me to expect my children to be. We all have off days!
- Recognizing the good things your kids are doing and praising them on that rather than focusing in on their shortcomings. This may be my favorite! It goes hand in hand with my other favorite quote: “promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate.” Correcting poor behavior comes more naturally to a lot of us parents, but I’ve seen more benefits in my house for celebrating positive actions rather than punishing bad choices.
- Limiting extrinsic motivators. I know this is hard. And I don’t believe you can parent by abstaining from outside motivation completely (and don’t think it’s all bad). However, opting for celebration over a true reward can help children recognize their feelings of self satisfaction and pride leading them to want to repeat the action (intrinsic) rather than having them focused on and motivated by the toy/treat/etc.
Wow, this is getting so long, but is something I could talk on and on about. It’s an area of research I’m incredibly interested in, especially with how it ties together with education. I believe if you can spark intrinsic motivation in children from very early on, they will grow up to be curious, contributing and happy members of your family and society.
What motivates your kids?
What are they naturally excited about?
Dale says
I love this! I didn’t even know this was a thing, but I’m always wishing my 6-year-old daughter (and to some extent her 4-year-old brother) was more motivated. Can you recommend some reading material on this subject? Thanks!
Kim says
A great resource is duct tape parenting. I’m a toddler montessori guide (teacher) and intrinsic motivation one of the most important aspects of our curriculum. The absorbent mind by Dr. Montessori explains a lot as well but it is as philosophy book, not nessarily a quick read.
Carolyn says
Yes, you mentioned your research on this and I, too, would love to know your books or sources that you liked. Thanks!
(quick note – I don’t love the stock photos either. I would prefer all words and no stock images! Or even an olde photo of you/family/kids just to break it up! Stock photos seem at odds with your genuine and authentic writing.)
Brittany Dixon says
Thanks for the stockphoto input- totally never thought about it that way but will definitely take that into consideration for future posts and at least go with a blend!
One of the researchers that I referenced and have followed the most wrote a book (Why We Do What We Do: Understanding Self-Motivation) that has great reviews. I’d love to read it but have personally depended more of finding research articles online, talking with teachers, watching many TED talks (I’m addicted) on the topic (here is one https://www.ted.com/talks/dan_pink_on_motivation/transcript?language=en) and reading about how it ties in with education rather than just early childhood behavior.
There are a couple other suggestions in these comments that sound like great resources worth checking out as well!
Brittany Dixon says
Hi Dale! There are some great recommendations in the comments:
The Book Mindset http://mindsetonline.com/
Duct Tape Parenting https://www.amazon.com/Duct-Tape-Parenting-Respectful-Responsible/dp/1937134180
Why We Do What We Do https://www.amazon.com/Why-We-What-Understanding-Self-Motivation/dp/0140255265
The Basic School (more so on how it relates to education)
and one of my favorites- TED Talks! (https://www.ted.com/talks/dan_pink_on_motivation/transcript?language=en)
Liz T says
Why have you started using stock or purchased photos? Their use makes the posts seem geared to be more like “click-bait” than coming from you. Great post, otherwise.
Brittany Dixon says
Hi Liz, I definitely prefer to use my own images but when I have a post that I haven’t been able to snap specific pictures for, I get them through canstock. I don’t love doing this (especially because I have to spend money on them), but feel that posts with pictures get more attention and engagement.
Janna Walker says
I LOVE this post. And I am very interested in more information!!! My little girl is only 9 months, but these sort of things are already floating around in my mind!!! I’d love to look further at any resources you have found to be helpful along the way!
Heather says
Great with dealing with meals too! If my daughter doesn’t want to eat what I give her fine, but I don’t bribe her with dessert or something she “wants”. No, “three more bites and you get x,y,z”. I have seen how bad that can get with my niece.
Brittany Dixon says
Oh yes yes yes, this completely. I had to fight my natural instincts to not go down that path but I agree wholeheartedly. I choose what and when and they choose if and how much. Kaitlyn certainly needs a little help with focus, but the method works really well overall!
Dorothy says
Exactly this! I definitely want my son (2 1/2) to want to do things on his own accord, but didn’t realize how many of your list we’re already following. Thanks for the reassurance. You’re doing great, too, Mama!
Kim says
This is a great post! I work at a college (so a little different population) but one topic we’re focusing on related to this is mindset, particularly growth mindset. If you’re interested in this topic, you may like the book Mindset by Carol Dweck – it’s all about praising effort rather than performance.
Brittany Dixon says
Thanks for the book suggestion Kim; I will definitely check it out!
Julie says
YES!!! This was what I did w/ my daughter, but I didn’t have a name for it at the time (or really even a reason for it or long-term goal); I just knew it felt wrong to reward her (or set up a weekly allowance) for things I expected her to be doing as a member of the family. Like I said, I wasn’t “aware” that I was instilling intrinsic motivation at the time, but I can vouch that it does work. She’s 17 now & very responsible & self-motivated. She strives to do well in school & avoids missing a day b/c she doesn’t want to fall behind. She’s also very responsible & level-headed when it comes to her part-time job. She’s not crazy about her job, but she knows she needs to be on time & reliable so she can keep her job & have $$ for gas. It really bothers her if she doesn’t feel like she’s done a good job on a school project or if something goes wrong at work. She is definitely a rule follower & is very conscientious.
She played volleyball thru her freshman year. There were some mean girls on the team that year, & it just ceased being fun. It got to the point where she was constantly upset about it & dreading practice. I asked her if she wanted to quit (b/c it was becoming such a negative influence). She looked at me like I was crazy & said, “Mom, I made a commitment to be on the team. I can’t just quit in the middle of the season. I wouldn’t feel right about that.” Which, of course, is what I would have told her a few years before or in other circumstances…
So without really realizing it at the time, I did use the same method of parenting that you are trying, & my daughter is definitely unusually self-motivated & responsible about many things; unfortunately that didn’t carry over to keeping her room & bathroom clean. Ugh. #workinprogress #completedisasterarea 😉
Brittany Dixon says
Julie, wow thank you for sharing! Your daughter sounds like an amazing person and you should be so proud of leading her in that direction! I felt the same way and didn’t even know there was term for it either, but clearly you’ve done things so well along the way. If it makes you feel better my room was always a WRECK growing up and now I’m a neat freak. HA! 😉
Tracy says
Wow! Yessss! This is definitely how my parents raised me and I have tried to do the same with my own kids. Excellent post! Very well said.
Sam says
LOVE this. So many good points, and I want the same for my almost in less than two weeks one year old 🙂 Right now she’s just happy with a new toy and some milk 😉
Alyssa says
Please do talk more about it! I find this fascinating!
Susanna says
I love this post. This is absolutely something my parents did with us and something I plan to do someday when I have children. I’ve realized as an adult that the children who were rewarded for every little thing are the ones who are still expecting rewards throughout their life (and don’t want to work for it).
John J. says
Terrific post! The goal is to raise an independent, self motivated and sufficient young adult over time. This is an important component to that end. Your “Counselor” gene slips out more and more often. Keep it going!
Brittany Dixon says
Sometimes I open my mouth and it’s like your words just come out. Grateful for that! 🙂
Dianna says
This is what I want for my girls as well, but I didn’t know how to put it into words. I unfortunately have started offering bribes to my (almost) 4 year old to get her to do what I want her to do, but I want to break that cycle because I want her to be self motivated. As someone who has always struggled with staying motivated, it’s important for me to try and prevent that from happening to my children. You always have such great ideas and advice. Thanks for sharing!
jen says
Love, love this post.
Laura says
I am a licensed behavior specialist for children with autism and other special needs. I think it is important to say that, used appropriately, reinforcement for appropriate/ target/ desired behaviors can be extremely effective and successful for children, whether they are developmentally typical or not. All behaviors have a function, whether it is to gain access to something desired (tangible, attention, stimulation), or avoid something undesirable (pain, discomfort, non-preferred task). When you say your children are “intrinsically motivated” they may be seeking out something, sensory stimulation, parent attention, etc., for doing said task. Historically, engaging in that behavior may have provided them with a desired feeling for example.
Often times, parents need to first teach their children that when we do tasks we don’t like to do, like chores perhaps, we get things we like, whether it is attention, praise, an M&M, etc. It should not be discounted or looked at as wrong or bad if reinforcement is used (or “bribery” as you say). Reinforcement being used appropriately would be done on a varying schedule and eventually lessened over time. This is especially true for kids with autism. Even social interactions need to be structured in a way that can be taught — for example, giving a toy to a peer and then having the child with autism approach the peer to access that toy. The thought being that EVENTUALLY over time and MANY repetitions of this procedure the child with autism would find the social interaction a positive experience on its own rather than just seeking out the peer to access the preferred item. The same would be true with a chore for instance. Providing a reinforcer for completion of a task, but maybe not EVERY time once the pattern is established. Consider most things we do in life and what we are motivated by.
Please understand, I have two children of my own who I strive to raise to be motivated, independent people. However, your post did not sit right with me and struck me as preachy, especially for parents of children who may struggle with developmental delays or other issues of various kinds.
Brittany Dixon says
Hi Laura, Thanks so much for your reply. I found your input valuable and interesting as I continue learning more about this concept. I feared my post had preachy undertones (darn it, it was not the intention). I think it was too research paper ish, but again, it’s still a relatively new concept to me that I wanted to share as I continue to apply many of its principles in our home.
I enjoyed reading your perspective on reinforcement and motivation. I guess what I love about intrinsic motivation is that though there certainly is a motivation involved, it’s not reliant on outside rewards, but only the internal (accomplishment, pride, etc versus a physical reward/treat). However, I only write from my own perspective and how it works within my four walls. I certainly don’t ever mean to come across as being the expert on all kids, especially for those that face unique challenges I have no experience with personally. Again, I’m a relative newbie here and was excited to bring it up for discussion sake and appreciate your thorough input. Thank you!
Laura says
Love you blog Brittany, thanks for the thoughtful reply !! 🙂
Carol Ritz says
I don’t have children, but taught 5th grade and have many nieces and nephews.
In addition to asking for their help and commenting to them what a big help they are.
I will say the same to others, when they are nearby, so they really feel appreciated for taking responsibility.
Zane Tamane says
Thank you for the article. I have a question how to deal with “screen”time” allowance and other benefits- should these be given unconditionally or there is some performance/pleasures advice? I understand that giving it as a bonus for having done some chore is the wrong way to go.. Or – being let to play with friends outdoors only after chores have been done..? How to deal with – I hate to do this, it makes me sick (washing dishes, touching anything wet)- should I make them do it anyway, or be gentle and only five chores that are not so “disgusting”…?
What to do if the kids says he doesn’t like sinner? We have different tastes and forcing them to eat or stay hungry sometimes feels cruel. We as adults can decide what to eat or not to eat..
A have a terrible case of action-reward kid, I don’t know how we got here, but we need to change everything and it is so difficult all the time to get discipline etc.
Brittany Dixon says
Hi Zane, I wish I could help specifically but every family is so different and I would never be so bold as to tell others how they should do things. I do love to share what works for us and the biggest factor I’ve seen contribute to success is having very few extrinsic motivators. We also have a high level of what we expect from them simply because they are capable and part of the family. We do go out for ice cream, watch movies, and do other fun things, but they never are “earned.”
Liz T says
Hi there… just wanted to share my thoughts regarding screen time and what works in our family with five children that are 11 years old and younger. I think it is important to set up boundaries and that children are only allowed to be on the screen for a certain amount of time. We limit it to a half hour or less. I particularly believe in screen time being earned if you have done everything else that you need to do. For example if you’ve done your homework and your chores, then you are allowed to have a half hour on the iPad. I see too many young folks and adults on screens and it is getting out of control… we need to limit our time in front of screens and say yes to more time outside and non-screen related activities. This is definitely a challenge for children now a days and I definitely think this is affecting intrinsic motivation as well. Too much of what children are viewing on the screen is so over stimulating and highly entertaining, that they want nothing to do with playing board games or reading books. We however do not let our children have a lot of screen time and actually we do not have a TV for this specific reason. We moved to Utah from PA for this exact reason… to have more family time and enjoy being outside more. We want our children to enjoy personal interactions with siblings, as well as love to read.
I would love to know your thoughts on motivating children to read… because I recently had a conversation with others regarding the Pizza Hut Book-It program and how our school is not doing it because they want to make their students to be intrinsically motivated to read. I do understand this viewpoint, however I do think that some students do not like to read and will not naturally do it on their own… they need motivation from parents and teachers. We think that the Book It program would encourage non-readers or those who do not like to read as much, to pick up a book to read, which then might be the catalyst for reading just for the sake of enjoyment.
Our last School district we were in did the Book-It program and our children really thought it was an extra bonus for doing an activity they already love to do, which was reading on their own. For other students who do not enjoy reading they might need the motivation, and I don’t see the harm in a reward. Reading is an essential element to life and if you say that you want them to be intrinsically motivated, what happens to those readers who are not naturally driven to developing their reading skills? Do we then have children who grow up to be adults, who do not know how to read very well because they are not intrinsically motivated?
I’m not sure what I exactly think about all of these things but thought I would throw it out there to get some other viewpoints. In my four walls, we use intrinsic motivation as well as rewards… for my own children this works well…. we are not using both methods. All of my children really enjoy reading and choose to do it on their own without anybody motivating them to read… although sometimes I need to check that they did read their take home baggie books – all children need help being responsible when they are young. However, I do not offer them video games, tv, or screen time… so they chose to naturally gravitate to books.
However there are a lot of children in our rural area who are not very good readers and are not intrinsically motivated to do so….. but I have no idea what their parents are allowing them to do with their free time. How do you then motivate these children if the school refuses to motivate them with rewards? I would love your thoughts and research on this subject. This is the article that our school district used to explain why they do not do the Pizza Hut Book-It program. I agree with some parts of the article but do not agree with other parts. I would love to see more research and studies done and what the outcomes were. Every child is completely different, so I am not sure saying that certain things will work for all children is the right direction to go. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/goal-posts/200906/latrell-sprewell-pizza-hut-intrinsic-motivation
Brittany Dixon says
You offered such great viewpoints to both sides! In general, I am not against the Book-It program (though I also am not a fan as food as rewards, but that is a different topic altogether). I remember loving it as a kid. I think the point is what you mentioned- what works within the family home, versus in a school system. We certainly lean towards intrinsic motivation in our house, but I think rewards could be useful to motivate children who may not have the same kind of encouragement or guidance at home. Great discussion topic!
Liz Trostle says
Hi there, I just wanted to share my thoughts regarding screen time as well as share some thoughts regarding intrinsic motivation when it comes to reading. Our family is comprised of five children that are 11 years old and younger…. Our 3 oldest who are 11,9, and 7 love to read and our 2 younger boys are 6 and 4 and are still learning to read. We think it is important to set up boundaries and that children are only allowed to be on the screen for a certain amount of time. We limit it to a half hour or less for each child where often they do not go on a screen at all when home from school. I particularly believe in “screen time” being earned if you have done everything else that you need to do. For example if you’ve done your homework and your chores, then you are allowed to have a half hour on the iPad. I see too many young folks and adults on screens and it is getting out of control… we need to limit our time in front of screens and say yes to more time outside and non-screen related activities. This is definitely a challenge for children now a days and I definitely think this is affecting intrinsic motivation as well. Too much of what children are viewing on the screen is so over stimulating and highly entertaining, that they want nothing to do with playing board games or reading books. We however do not let our children have a lot of screen time and actually we do not have a TV for this specific reason. We moved to Utah from PA for this exact reason… to have more family time and enjoy being outside more. We want our children to enjoy personal interactions with siblings, as well as love to read.
I would love to know your thoughts on motivating children to read… because I recently had a conversation with others regarding the Pizza Hut Book-It program and how our school is not doing it because they want to make their students to be intrinsically motivated to read. I do understand this viewpoint, however I do think that some students do not like to read and will not naturally do it on their own… they need motivation from parents and teachers. We think that the Book It program would encourage non-readers or those who do not like to read as much, to pick up a book to read, which then might be the catalyst for reading just for the sake of enjoyment.
Our last School district we were in did the Book-It program and our children really thought it was an extra bonus for doing an activity they already love to do, which was reading on their own. For other students who do not enjoy reading they might need the motivation, and I don’t see the harm in a reward. Reading is an essential element to life and if you say that you want them to be intrinsically motivated, what happens to those readers who are not naturally driven to developing their reading skills? Do we then have children who grow up to be adults, who do not know how to read very well because they are not intrinsically motivated?
I’m not sure what I exactly think about all of these things but thought I would throw it out there to get some other viewpoints. In my four walls, we use intrinsic motivation as well as rewards… for my own children this works well…. we are not using both methods. All of my children really enjoy reading and choose to do it on their own without anybody motivating them to read… although sometimes I need to check that they did read their take home baggie books – all children need help being responsible when they are young. However, I do not offer them video games, tv, or screen time… so they chose to naturally gravitate to books.
Mary Slawinski says
Hi Brittany,
I am a little out of the norm. I am a grandmother of a now 11 year old girl.
I look at things as better late than never. I do not see any self motivation or self esteem. Is it to late to try and ideas for an 11 year old. I know this is a lot older than your girls but thought maybe some readers would also have some ideas. She wants to do well but is not a self starter.
Thanks.
Brittany Dixon says
Hi Mary! Though it certainly is easier to teach anything from the start, I don’t believe it’s ever too late to work on changing habits and behavior. Here is another great article on the topic: https://www.aifc.com.au/steps-empowering-children-intrinsic-motivation/
Best of luck!
Belinda Cross says
This is amazing parenting advice that I am going to start implenting! Thank you so much for sharing!!
Is there any way to print your articles without all the adds? I have a parenting binder I put all my favorite articles in for reminders if I need to go look back and would love to add this to it 🙂
Brittany Dixon says
Gosh I wish there was a way to print without the ads. Copy and pasting to a word document would work! I hope to decrease the number of ads in the near future, but until then I don’t know of a way to print without them.